Like I haven't been down that road and back a million times.
Maybe while I'm in the throes of another episode of depression is not the best time to write about depression. On the other hand, it could help, so I try. I keep writing this blog and talking about the same things over and over.
I overshare like it's my job, according to some. It's never been in me to do anything differently. Once you get me going, I will tell you just about anything.
The most important thing I've come to understand about living with depression over the past 13 or so years is
Depression is an illness. It would like you to think that you are worthless, that you should give up, that no one loves you. Depression is lying to you so it can thrive. Don't let it thrive. Don't stop fighting. Don't stop telling people how you are feeling. You may think that you are being annoying and hell, maybe you are, but you're more important than that.
Your life is more important than any minor inconvenience you may cause.
Talk to doctors. Talk to strangers. Talk to friends or anyone you maybe thought loved you, even if depression is telling you that right now, nobody does. It's lying, take the risk and tell them anyway.
You are always worth fighting for.
I put a lot of value on the life of every individual. I am not a supporter of the death penalty for any crime. I do believe that those with terminal illness have the right to die with dignity, but depression is not a terminal illness. It doesn't have to be.
Mental illness is devious and deceptive. Anxiety will let you think that someone holds a grudge for some tiny mistake you make seven years ago. It may lead you to stop talking to people out of irrational fear that something has gone wrong in your relationship. Depression will keep you from pretty much doing anything and it's so, so hard to get moving again. Add in suicidal thoughts and it gets bad really quickly.
On the worst days, which are thankfully not that often anymore, I think about the people I'd leave behind. I think about how sad they would be, how I would not wish how depression makes me feel on anyone else. I can't take the risk that I'd leave anyone else to that fate due to my abrupt absence.
I choose to stay and fight and sometimes it's the hardest choice I've ever made.
(Sidenote: I'm not that bad right now, please don't worry, I just felt motivated to write.)