Thursday, February 20, 2014

Travel anxiety

When I get out of a funk (read as: some kind of depressed state), I often find that I swing back with a near unmanageable amount of energy. I can't call it optimism because optimism seems like something that should be totally good and pleasant. What I experience is nearly as overwhelming as the depression I just recovered from, in that I feel like there are too many oysters in my world and which one should I open first and I don't know why can't it be the future yet? It's probably normal and I am just not used to it because it is just so different from how I felt just 24 hrs prior, when I was half-asleep in this chair and fighting back tears.

Right now, my brain is two weeks away, anxiously packing for our trip to London. What am I going to wear? What coat should I bring? Should I pack an umbrella? How many pairs of shoes? Which ones? What if I forget something? What if customs holds us up? What if our flights get delayed?

Sometimes, my brain shoots farther ahead. When will we be able to afford a house? If it has multiple bedrooms, how many should be guest rooms? Can we have an office? What kind of curtains will I want? Should I try and DIY these things or just buy them? What if I waste money trying to make my own curtains and I don't like them? What if our roof leaks? I know it seems so silly to worry about things that are not a reality for us yet, but it's hard to stop once I get started. These are things I want so badly to worry about! I want to have our own house! I want to have a garage! Maybe a snowblower (if necessary)! So I worry about the potential issues we'll run into because apparently that's the way I process the future. I don't like it, but it's all I know how to do.

Someone reminded me today that it's okay to be excited! The conscious effort required to create a semblance of living in a depressed state is the same one I have to apply to my every day life. Take one step at a time, don't forget to exhale before turning that corner in case someone surprises you, wash your hands, get off that website if it upsets you. Sometimes I feel like it's hard to live when I am constantly reminding myself of how to function as a human being. Nothing feels like habit.

Right now, I am consciously stilling my legs from bouncing, taking deep breaths, blinking slowly. I find it hard to exist in the present. When I am depressed, I mostly worry about the past. When I am anxious, I mostly worry about the future. When I am both, I am miserable, and when I am neither, I feel lost. I try to find things to worry about. I am not sure how to be content.

Time for some hot chocolate.

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