Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Getting in my own way

Every time I come to a major realization about my brain, my life, or my habits, my next thought is, "Great, how do I fix it?!"

I think the biggest problem for me and probably most people that deal with depression is that I get in my own way. I create unnecessary obstacles for myself. Some of it I truly believe cannot be helped and sometimes medication (or supplementation, in my case) is required to lift the walls. I am trying hard to find a way to demolish some of the walls right now, but a lot of it just takes time. It is a frustrating process. I wish there were better ways to describe this experience to those that do not suffer from mental illness. It is highly unpleasant to be fooled by your own mind.

When it comes to wanting to stay active & fit, I know that this will help ease the depression. I know I will feel happier simply from the fact of being active, let alone all the physiological responses. I just don't know how to get going and not stop. I tried kick-boxing, but I don't know if I can say that I gave it a fair shot. I wanted to like it, but I guess I didn't like it enough. I guess that's okay. I want to try barre, which is kind of a ballet/pilates/yoga mix, and there's a weekly class being offered that starts in January. If I can't count on myself to stick to exercise routines at home, maybe a class (that I enjoy) will work better. There is still the fear of being awful and feeling embarrassed, but I feel more confident thinking of this potential endeavor than I did about a martial art.

Maybe I will get super flexible.
I still would like to know how to properly defend myself, but maybe that will just be a self-defense class that I take someday.

Maybe it's okay to try a little of everything. Maybe that can by "my thing". It's okay for martial arts to just be Hulky's thing. I like knowing he could physically protect me, even if the need will (hopefully) never arise. I think I might enjoy doing something like this with a girl friend. I did some yoga in college on weekends and my sister would sometimes come visit & go to the class with me. It was nice to have a feminine buddy (didn't feel like I had to impress anyone) even for such a solo activity (despite the group setting) and yoga was such a low-stress and not intimidating practice.

One of the legitimate walls between me and being fit over the winter is budgetary concerns. I am never quite sure how to prioritize these things. Maybe I won't need to continue therapy while I'm active, but I do need to buy my A+ certification exam vouchers. Then again, I haven't finished reading through the exam book even once yet and I wanted to be prepared for the exams by May. Anybody know how hard they are for someone with ~5 years relevant experience in the field (some college years & 3-4 professional)?

I think I will finally invest in one of those sun lamps this winter. I can pretend to be a lizard while I chill under the lamp in the mornings.


  1. Do you mean the 220-801 or that and the 802? If the first, let me just go take it over the holidays and then I'll let you know.