Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Odd thoughts

We’re halfway through the three weeks without Hulky. He’s away at a research station in very northern coastal Maine for a class. The day he gets back, he’ll be coming home to a new apartment. I’m working on moving the little stuff now and hoping to move some larger items this weekend, so it’s not a huge rush on Saturday. I am a little stressed to be dealing with changing my name, changing bank accounts, and updating my address all at the same time, but it’s all things that I can take at my own pace. I feel very accomplished. The stress does not seem insurmountable. I am exercising, I just started running, and I am eating well.

But I sure do miss my husband a lot. I can’t wait to be doing all of these things with him here. I am sure having so much alone time is good for me in some ways, but it’s been a week and a half and I still come home sometimes, see the car in the driveway, and think for a split second, “He’s home!”

I recently had an awesome girly weekend with a friend. We went thrift shopping, which I have not done in a while, and I got some excellent pieces that would be suitable for work or weekends. I can’t wait for it to get cooler so I can start wearing my sweaters more often, including and especially the new ones. Sorting through clothes and even visiting Hubba Hubba, the sex shop in Central Square, kind of renewed the fashionista in me. Now, I’m not a fashionable person. I opt for comfort over style, but I think that does translate to some kind of style for me. I was a lot more adventurous with my clothes during college (and during high school) and I think I’ve imposed some rules on myself about how I “should look” because of work since then. I’m happy that I can keep my piercings and change my hair now. I think it’s time to re-address my wardrobe though.

Spending so much time with a “girl” also made me think about girl relationships in my life (other than with family). When I was very young, there was a girl in the neighborhood between my sister’s and my age and she very clearly liked my sister better than me. I wanted to be liked by her and I seem to remember more unhappy times with her than happy. In elementary school, I had two close friends that I spent a lot of time with. I often felt excluded or picked on by them. In middle school, I had a couple of close girl friends. I think we got along pretty well. In high school, at first, I had two close girl friends. We spent a lot of time together. Sometimes, I felt a bit left out by them, but I think it was just my perception & fears from that early three-way friendship. Ultimately, we had a falling out with one around the time of my overdose and then it was just the two of us. We were like sisters.

After we fell out of touch and haven’t seen each other more than a couple of times since high school ended, I’ve become very wary of having girl friendships. I think some of it is just my mental disorders. I’m inclined to worry about things and have probably built up my own insecurities over the years, even when things have gone well.

I guess I’m afraid that things will go wrong. It’s not like I haven’t had successful girl relationships in the past, but I tend to think I’m the one that’s going to mess it up. I know that the failed relationships weren’t my fault, especially in the ones where I was being picked on or used, but I still struggle with the blame. All I can do is try to be a supportive friend & have fun.

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