Friday, May 10, 2013

Enforcing personal change

Faces mean a lot. Faces communicate, just from their appearance alone, to all sighted people. No words required. The structure of our faces is probably the thing least easy to change about our bodies. Fat can be lost, muscle can be gained, vice versa, et cetera, but barring surgery, trauma, and age, the visage does not change very much.

This is the thing we struggle with most. When people are unhappy with their bodies, it seems like others are all too willing to step in and remind them of "how beautiful your face is!!!" As though that has any merit on their worth. As though their size had any bearing on their worth as a human being, to begin with.

This isn't structured well, but it's not easy to talk about either. I haven't been able to read lately, or write. Something is different about my brain and I can't figure it out.

I guess I have been enjoying "thin privilege" for most of my life, but I am still one among many that was dissatisfied with my own flesh and skin. Now that I'm happier with my body, even with regular changes that it undergoes, I'm stuck becoming accustomed to my face. Some days, it looks fine to me. Other days, it's "too" broad, or my nose is "too" angular. There is so much influence in our lives over how we perceive ourselves. I have noticed that smaller noses and broader jaws are very highly valued among men actors in Hollywood lately. The faces valued for women are, frankly, very infantile (larger forehead, lower & larger eyes, petite and slightly pointed nose, cupid lips). Anything outside of these values is considered "exotic", "elongated", "bulbous", and every single term has a negative connotation. The words themselves are not inherently negative, only the value we have given them.

In contemplating what to do with my hair as it becomes a massively overgrown pixie-cut, I realized that I should be less afraid of these changes. Yes, this is coming from someone who has sported a mohawk, pink hair, purple hair, and is not afraid of a short haircut (something that society tells us is weird for women). In the end, the mask of hair is removed, the shelter is gone, and I am forced to contend with my image again. My body is the same however. Strong, sexy, and dare I say, almost athletic. My face is the same too, I just can't seem to get used to it.

I'm about 90% certain that I'm buzzing my head this weekend. I feel like I need to face myself.

Just don't tell me something along the lines of, "Of course you could pull this off!" You could pull it off too. It's only a matter of your own perception. Screw everyone else.

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