Thursday, November 29, 2012


This morning, I put an old cd in the car stereo and was thrown back to three years ago, exactly. When I say exactly, I mean exactly this time of year. The time of year where I don’t really believe it’s still Fall, but I guess it is, and I’m ready for Winter, and frustrated that we don’t get as much snow as we used to anymore. Three years ago, I’d just started seeing my boyfriend, and a cd with a mix of songs very similar to the one playing was always playing in his car. We drove around together a lot. He drove out to Worcester, where I was going to school, to see me, almost every weekend. Or he’d pick me up from the train station. We’d go out to dinner frequently, or to a movie. Our first dinner and a movie date was to Bertucci’s and then to see Ninja Assassin. The dinner was good (I was too excited to eat, I remember the server came over to make sure everything was okay because I didn’t eat much and he had a trainee in tow, I felt very self-conscious), the movie was awful, and we had so much fun. It was that really special time when you’re just getting to know someone and every new realization that you have “so many things in common!” is pure bliss.

Beyond my depression, I am ruled my nostalgia. I laid the groundwork for a lot of my more nostalgic moments during the height of my depression, during my high school years. Even earlier this Fall, or at the tail-end of Summer, I had moments where I felt like I could close my eyes, and open them to find myself in various times past. Sometimes it’s high school, especially walking to and from school with music playing on my Walkman or iPod mini. Sometimes it’s college, and a feeling of security and confidence, walking from the 8-bedroom apartment that I lived in, just down the street to a class or to work.

Music is a trigger for me. The band Everclear is a major one, but it’s morphed into a feeling more than a memory now. I feel comfortable in my bones. Listening to the mix cd this morning, I was wrapped up in the feeling of that new relationship, budding three years ago. It doesn’t take much for me to mentally go back to that time, these days, since I’ve been hyper-emotional. For these things, I’m not complaining, I just wish it wouldn’t happen with sad stuff too.

Me (age 7 or 8) and Dolly, grandparents' dogMaine is a trigger for me. Just being at my grandmother’s house makes me think of being a kid, visiting there. I remember begrudgingly eating mac & cheese (my sister was more of a fan than me, funny now because she doesn’t eat cheese and I don’t eat wheat) at the tiny table in the kitchen, my grandfather sharing snacks with us or giving us treats. The pictures on the cork board in the kitchen have not changed in many years. There’s a sequence of photos that features each of the kids in my family (meaning my sister, my brother, and me), as babies, being washed in the bathroom sink at my grandma’s, and sitting on our dad’s shoulders. It wouldn’t feel right if any of those photos were removed. I think the thing that makes that place the most special is that nothing changes much. Going to Maine gives me a sense of safety that nothing else can.

It’s a little early to rejoice on my boyfriend and my 3-year anniversary of dating. We’re about 3 weeks out from it right now, but right now is me feeling thankful and blessed for what we have. I don’t think it’s going to end just yet :). Our annual Winter Date has kind of become an anniversary tradition, even though the first technically occurred before we were a couple. This year, it’s my duty to come up with something. We’re going casual: indoor rock climbing! I just need to find somewhere awesome for us to eat lunch or dinner.

Here’s a nice photo of us from my aunt's wedding in May (maybe I should go back to purple hair):

I totally gave him that shirt

And just to inundate you all with even more text: I am really looking forward to Christmas and New Years. I should really get on making my gifts (applesauce for everyone!).

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