Today I feel anxious and depressed. I feel more anxious than I have in quite some time, in fact. That is bothering me and getting in the way of my day worse than any depression. There are other things I’ve noticed that are “off” too: I’m not typing well (and I do a lot of that so it’s very noticeable to me when I am typing the wrong word or leaving out letters every few words), there is an involuntary twitch in my face, I’m having terrible cramps (of the womanly sort, this is also unusual for me), and I have a strong feeling of needing to escape from something.
As much as I struggle regularly with how to manage my anxiety/depression and function in a workplace, this article reminded me that it’s okay than I’m not okay. I do not think I could go to my supervisor and tell him, without crying, “I am feeling really poorly today and I need to leave work,” making it clear that this is entirely a mental thing. There is a stigma: you are broken and that’s not acceptable. To leave work for feeling is not acceptable. I don’t think I can accurately express with any words how angry it makes me that our society (Western society, perhaps, fill in the blank here) discourages people from expressing their feelings and encourages vapid forms of entertainment instead (thinking of Lifetime original films and programs and books like Twilight, specifically).
So today, I’m not happy, I’m not feeling okay, and I want to go home. Reminding myself that I don’t have to be perfect, as silly as that sounds, helps a little. I imagine a walk out in the sunshine will help too.