Monday, March 26, 2012

Link action!

  • Are thin women the enemy? – Some interesting points are brought up in this piece. I like the idea of limiting how many absurdly thin women can be portrayed in the media, but I think something to broaden the scopes of the portrayal of women would be a better idea. What if they had to fulfill certain quotas for certain body types in various publications? Of course that may lead to discrimination and deserving models missing out because their BMI or measurement category has been fulfilled. I just think there’s a better way than leaving people out.
  • Johnny Depp as Tonto – Sigh. I like Johnny Depp, I guess. I think he’s much too Burton-ized and his fan base, like so many others, can be a bit frightening, but he has had some impressive roles. Unfortunately, not for a while. I don’t think any modern adaptation of The Lone Ranger is going to do well, frankly. I’m a fan of Wild West stories, having grown up watching old TV shows portraying that time period and a lot of silverscreen films, though.
  • 10 Stubborn Exercise Myths That Just Won’t Die – Screw you and your long workouts and 5-6 days of 2-3 hr gym sessions. I spend at most 20 minutes working out every week and I’ve gained some nice definition in my shoulders & chest over the past few weeks with just a 15lb kettlebell. Paleo rules.
  • Hunger Games sets US box office record – Cool! I saw it last Friday and really enjoyed it! I haven’t read any of the books and I’m actually not sure I want to. I don’t want to spoil the movie :)

Friday, March 09, 2012

Planning for stardom

Yesterday I had some more thoughts on where I want this blog to go. Considering some of the topics covered, I don’t think this is the blog I’d want to “go live” with. I’ve been sharing links to it around the interwebz, with friends, family, strangers, on forums… But the question of sharing with a co-worker came up and I suddenly wasn’t comfortable with the idea of them reading about my struggles with depression and anxiety. It’s the first time I’ve ever really considered that maybe there are some things I shouldn’t write about freely online.

I still haven’t come to any real decision about networking a blog, what I’d want to write about, and who I’d want to share it with, but I think it might come down to a blog dedicated to depression & anxiety related things (and how my experiences with nutrition, being primal/paleo, tie into that), and another one for networking, sponsorship etc. Maybe I’m thinking about this too much. When I read through popular blogs, it seems like they kind of had greatness “thrust upon them” at some point. Somebody linked and they blew up over night. Maybe not over night, but most of these people had a small readership to begin with and it grew overtime. It doesn’t seem like they really planned for stardom, so maybe it’s silly of me to do so. Then again, maybe they just didn’t write about their plans :)

Today's entry was fueled by OK Go's "Don't Ask Me".

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Separation Anxiety

Today I am unhappy and I find it absolutely necessary to listen to music in order to function. It’s taken many years of “bad days” for me to get to the point where a depressed day is not the worst day of my week. Sure, it’s not ideal, but I know I can be functional because I’ve had to be functional, so now it’s more of a choice. I have an hour or so in the morning of grumpiness, I whine to myself or on the internet a bit, and then something reminds me that yesterday was pretty good and just because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed doesn’t mean I have to let it ruin my day.

I’m not saying it’s easy.

But it’s do-able.

This morning, “Float On” by Modest Mouse came over the radio and made me smile. The warm weather seeping through my slightly-opened window made me smile. I got a sense of nostalgia, like maybe I walked to school listening to this song once (I don’t think I did, but my nostalgia often comes in the sense of walking to or from school, since I did that practically everyday middle school through high school, and most of elementary), and suddenly I felt like I could manage today. I’d still rather be at home, curled up in bed

It’s about separation, and it’s not easy to do. I used to give my depression an identity and hate on it. I think that worked to an extent, I could write as Eowithien and imagine this brooding persona in my mind and sink all my depressing thoughts and feelings into her. And then write, photograph, let go a little. I still cut myself, so obviously it wasn’t fool proof; I knew she was still me (I’m not really crazy). Ultimately, I’ve found that the only way for me to truly “manage” feeling depressed is by recognizing that it’s not tangible and it is a part of me. Just because my hormones, brain chemistry, and/or gut is out of whack doesn’t mean I have to drop everything I’m doing to go mope in a corner or risk my job security by taking a mental health day. I have so much to look forward to, just by remembering how good I felt yesterday, and knowing that I might just feel that good again tomorrow. I separate my depression by not letting it be an entity, but by accepting it and just continuing on.

So maybe I am feeling depressed today because I didn’t get my supplements right. OH WELL. I’m sticking with them for now, and tomorrow will be better just for having remembered that yesterday was good. The worst part of this is knowing that if I was reading this a few years ago, it wouldn’t mean much to me. I don’t know if I’m aptly describing the separation I’ve been able to achieve and make work for me on “bad days”, but even if I am, I know that past-me would probably not appreciate it. I might’ve thought “She doesn’t really get what it’s like to be depressed,” and maybe in my optimism, she’s right, maybe I don’t get it anymore, but I think that’s a good thing.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

I’m bashing in the slums.

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OH GODS WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHAT IS THIS WHY WOULD YOU SUBJECT ME TO THIS GODS WHY AAHH MY EYEESSSSS

So that’s about what my brain did when I swapped this photo out for my default in a few corners of the internet. Why? Well my daily self-portrait project isn’t really happening this month, but I figure I could embarrass myself enough with the occasional shot and analysis.

Source: self-facing camera in Droid Incredible 2

Location: 3rd floor restroom at work

Subject: Me, duh. I edited the photo using a built-in effects option to boost the contrast and I quite like the effect. Not-quite-monochromatic with the flush in my cheeks and splash of purple in my hair. So what’s the issue with this picture? Lighting and expression. I think this photo is actually interesting for the symmetry aspects. There are some slight deviations, with the stall doors behind me, the nostril piercing, the hair parting, but I’m even centered between the stall doors for the most part, and the shadows are fairly symmetrical (especially across my cheeks from the glasses. I don’t like how the light makes my nose look bigger/rounder than I think it actually is. I think my expression is a bit odd. I don’t do fake smiles well and generally consider myself fairly unphotogenic, so I just looked when I took the shot. Maybe it’s the nose-shadow (another thing I don’t like), but I feel like my slips are slightly turned up at the edges, giving a kind of hollow-smile feel to it. I think with an improvement to the expression, the overall tone and framing of the image are pretty good.

All in all, considering the lighting, I think it’s kind of a fun photo, and I like the crispness of it. It’s framed fairly well for a headshot, though a bit more space would probably be desirable overhead for something more formal. It’ll do as an online ID for now, though I’m on the hunt for something more flattering and “pleasant” for long-term use.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

National Self-Injury Awareness Day

This is a topic near and dear to me. I guess I’ve never written about this in this particular blog, so here’s a rundown of my history with self-injury and depression.