It occurred to me that all my concerns and whining about budgeting and how to budget, well, I’ve never really explained what I do.
What are we working with, exactly?
I just feel the need to think out loud for a little.
My one and only
In the Spring of 2007, I went out on a day of cancelled classes in mid-April and got a tattoo. I’d had the design for a few years and was very certain I would love it forever and ever. I went to a tattoo shop close to my university, walked in, haggled on the right size and placement, and got it done for $50 and some ridiculous tip. It probably wasn’t for a few months that I noticed how uneven the line work was. It wasn’t for a few years that I regretted the size and placement. At the time, it rested just above the slope of a bra cup. Now I don’t have any bras that cut that low! I had it touched up once and it didn’t go well, so it’s even more of a mess, though clearer than it was after a couple summers of sun damage from improper care. I still love the font and the tattoo as an idea, but it wasn’t well executed. I don’t regret it though, since I think it has helped me be a bit more objective about future permanent pieces I add to my body.
This was a nice reminder of keeping my blog about me, and just writing what I want to write about and whatever I feel like writing about. I may not have many readers right now, I may not ever, but they’re here because they like something about the blog and that’s all I ask.
Sometimes this dietary journey is a huge pain in the ass. It’s hard to coordinate food within a meager budget when you live and eat with someone who does not follow the same dietary restrictions as you. At the end of the day, I sometimes have to take some time to have a mental tantrum and remind myself that giving up and going back to eating regular grains is not going to help me in the least. For one, they make me feel bad. Another good reason is that they make me look bad, I get bloated & gain weight! If white rice is all I can handle, I am more than okay with that. And someday this candida overgrowth I’ve been battling will be under control and I can eat all the sweet potatoes and fruit I want with no concerns about repercussions, just energy! Everything will be a bit easier at some point, the boyfriend and I are tackling a lot of things at once right now, but sometimes I just need to freak out a bit so I can move on to the next day of challenges (balancing the budget, eating enough and eating right are the biggest hurdles right now).
One thing that gets brought up frequently when I try to describe the way I eat to other people: “What do you eat?!” and “I couldn’t live without bread!” I felt that way when I first heard about paleo and then started down this road, but it’s a lot easier than you think. When you already like meat, eating meat & veggies (and fruit when my digestive tract is healthy) is not a huge bridge to gap. Being primal generally allows for dairy and a lot of dietary fat (don’t even get me started on why fat, esp. saturated fat, is not so bad for you!), so I started off that way, but after a Whole30, I found I didn’t miss dairy that much and am moving away from it to make sure I feel the best I can while my body tries to heal from a lifetime (well, so far) of mistreatment. I spent at least 5 months rebelling periodically, suffering from the occasional pizza or cookie (yes, even just one could have bad results for me!), and finally feel like I’d rather have an apple with almond butter for a treat. I feel really proud that I am starting to make healthy choices for myself, just by default, though I’ll admit that the lure of gluten-free baking is a strong one… Luckily for me, I’m broke!
Someday I hope to not spend so much time worrying about what goes into me and being able to just eat what I want and function well. My mental health is still precarious at times and it is beyond frustrating trying to keep myself in check some days when some part of the formula (sleep, diet, exercise, supplements) isn’t right. All in all, it is a journey worth taking and I am proud that I am willing to undertake it at such a relatively young age.
This is the first time in many years that I have worn pink or red (red on my socks, pink on my black sweater with pink polka dots) on Valentines Day. Seriously. It’s been a LONG time. I used to go all Anti-Valentine and wear black and I think I gave out Valentines cut out of black construction paper one year in high school. I don’t like the commercialism that surrounds the holiday, but as a hopeless romantic, I’m also somewhat doomed to love it and hope for my own special Valentines Day plans.
The boyfriend keeps making weird faces and saying he made no plans. I am skeptical and cautiously optimistic.
How I’m doing:
And now, something that’s on my mind. Self-confidence. The boyfriend challenged me to think of 10 things about myself that I’m proud of and it was surprisingly diffcult. I knew immediately that it would be hard for me to do because I am generally self-deprecating and have grown up with a sense that it’s not okay to talk about yourself with confidence. It’s not that anyone told me to be down on myself, but no one told me to be proud either. I think that would’ve helped.
What’re ten things about yourself that you’re proud of? In no particular order, here are ten things about myself that I am proud of (I think they’re different from the ones I thought of last night).
I am tired today, but hello.
Obsessing over: …secret research. No one but the boyfriend is allowed to know about it. It involves lots of pretty things, though, I promise you.
Working on: Tiding up my cubicle today…but it’s small and I don’t really have anything in it, so I’m pretty much done. Lately I’ve been working on recognizing when my moods are controllable, or not.
Thinking about: A wonderful future ahead of me, full of adventures and challenges.
Anticipating: The deliciousness that will be tonight’s Meatzza dinner!
Listening to: The soft splashes of tea as I pour another cup from my teapot, the hum of the multi-function printer around the corner, other people typing around the office, distant conversation.
Eating: Previously mentioned tea (decaf green ginger peach). I ate lunch ridiculously early so no more eating until dinner!
Wishing: I had managed to put down The Dresden Files a little earlier last night. It’s such a great series!
Linking up with The Paper Mama for her Self Photo Challenge! ”