Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Resolutions and wishes

-Start exercising regularly in some form or another (definitely make that swimming every day in the summer).
-Keep up with driving practice (I've had my license for 4 1/2 years but haven't really driven much since then, so I built up a huge fear of it and get super anxious when I drive on multi-lane roads).
-Move out.
-Keep improving my outlook & moods by going to therapy and keep trying with the meds.

And not so much resolutions or goals as they are things I’d just like to do:

-Save up enough for a laptop (probably a used one that I’d improve on my own) $500-850.
-Save up enough for at least one small tattoo, if not the sunflower I've been dreaming of for years, expecting anywhere up to $500 for that.
-Get a bunny or take my cat with me when I move out =D (I don't think my parents will let me take her though, they are very attached).

Monday, December 20, 2010

Get home safely. I will, I do, I always do.

I think parking lots would be an amazing location for snow-photos. To best capture snow, one needs filler light, such as a big flash, or lots of bright lights spread out, which is exactly what parking lots tend to have!


Now to get a better camera and an empty parking lot…well, and the snow should start falling again. Plans, plans, plans.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Asleep in the city that never wakes up.

Maybe it’s just my mood, but I noticed a beauty in my face that I have not been able to see for quite a long time today. I have also felt very able to find the vocabulary that I know my brain is capable of conjuring, but I’ve been completely unable to pull up for as long as I can remember.

On the other hand, I’ve also been making a lot of typos lately. Maybe it’s the weather, who knows! If this is the Lexapro, I hope it keeps working. Experiment time: I start 20mg of Lexapro sometime next week. Let’s see what changes!

Signs and constants of my Christmas season

  • Eggnog in the fridge
  • My porcelain Santa figure on the mantle
  • Thinking about sledding
  • Another non-white Christmas (erm…meaning no snow) in the forecast
  • Naked tree in the dining room (to be decorated within a week of Christmas and no sooner according to our family’s tendency to leave it up till January is almost over anyway)
  • Different hairstyle than last year (that’s been pretty constant for the last 6 years at least, probably more like 8 though)
  • Looking forward to my winter date with Holcomb (a new tradition, but this will be the second time, so I hope it continues longer)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Dear Mr and/or Mrs sender

I bought a new mp3 player: a Zen Mozaic EZ300. I thought I was buying the regular Mozaic, I guess this model came after the original, and this newer model has some problems. Not every single player, but many of them, feature a lovely, frequent habit of skipping. This happens most after having the player plugged in to charge or load music from your computer. The heavy skipping after syncing can be remedied by restarting the player once, and regular skipping can be reduced by using a simple wallpaper, but other than that, it could happen randomly. I find the skipping pretty annoying and I’m glad I bought this used. I’ll get my $35-worth from it and move on. I am not sure what brand of mp3 player I’ll be looking into now, I’d rather not go the Apple route because their full-sized players are too big to me (physically and capacity) and well…it’s Apple.

We’ll see.

Today I can’t focus. There were several things I wanted to do, and I did some, but I had a hard time keeping going. There was just too much in my head. I went to therapy, I put my old mattress under my new mattress (now my bed is very weirdly squishy, not sure if I’m keeping it like that), I started fixing Holcomb’s Dr. Horrible lab coat (bought a “mad scientist costume” lab coat to start with ‘cause it had a nice button layout), I put a couple posters back up… What else? Laundry? I can’t think. I need to fix my bed somehow, but I don’t know how. At least I found my receipt.

Blargh, some other time. I need to fill up my written journal before Halloween so I can start writing in my sexy leather-bound journal I got at King Richard’s Faire. Oh yeah, I’m going again Sunday, aren’t I? I want my new shoes to come, but I only ordered them today.

And this mood right here is exactly why I want to get back on medication. Being stable. It’s invaluable.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I just hang my head, say sorry, wouldn’t be the first time

Sssiiiggghh. I took today off from work to rest and somewhat failed at doing so. I’ve been sick for several days now and today was no different. I would have had more energy if it wasn’t for sleeping like absolute crap last night. I finally fell asleep again this morning for a few hours, but I’m worried about tonight. At least I have tomorrow off too, so I have another day to try and recover my sleep. And buying some jeans. Because I have one feminine pair and they do not fit. SIGH.october 436

I painted my sewing table. I painted the stencil on upside-down. yes, it makes a difference, because there is a pull-out section to the table and currently it pulls away from the elephant’s head, instead of away from its feet. You know what? I’m annoyed about it, but I think I’ll leave it. I just need to put some kind of finishing coat on it so the paint stops rubbing off when I wipe down the table. A little sanding might be in order, but I don’t know how much my room is going to like having paint dust in it. Anyway, I got my bookcases back up and reorganized the books on one of them. I like the arrangement and I even have some leftover room for whatever, which I’ve filled with books I borrowed from Holcomb and a bottle of wine I’ve been meaning to try. The other bookcase has only a few things on it, with room to expand, so that’s good for my messiness. What’s not good is that I have so many little items that just don’t fit anywhere that I really need to find places for. I would like my room to be in some semblance of order by the end of this year. That will make moving out (hopefully next year) so much easier. I will miss my purple room though, especially now that it’s a purple that I actually like!

I have nothing of interest to write about right now. I just wanted to make sure I remember that I always get grumpy when I come home after being at Holcomb’s, and I want to figure out why.

I’m missing you, I don’t want to. I’ll be missing you, I’m missing you, I don’t want to, but I will.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Testing out Windows Live Writer

This entry is a test of the Windows Live Writer. I want to see how much better it is for entering pictures into my posts than just logging in online to write my blogs. Ok, this means I need something to write about, heh. Today I felt much better after being seriously sick with a cold yesterday. I’m still sniffley as all get-out (love that turn of phrase), but it’s nothing that a lot of Mucinex can’t help! Oh. I just ran out.october 060

I went to Transporterfest with my dad today. It was a nice father-daughter outting, and the people I didn’t want to see were polite and friendly/I didn’t talk to one of them at all! Sasha was well behaved and everybody loved her. “What kind of dog is she?” “She’s so cute!” “Can I pet your dog?!” Most people didn’t ask, which I think is not very smart in general. You never know what kind of dog you’re approaching, though hopefully, it’s friendly because it’s stupid owner brought it out in public in the first place.

My dad helped me get my bookcases back up today after painting. They look lovely on my newly purpled walls. I was able to clear out some books that I don’t want in here anymore, but haven’t loaded up my second bookcase yet. It previously had some make-up items, a speaker, and some odds and ends that had nowhere else appropriate to go. Now, I don’t know what to put there, but my room is in need of further, extensive cleaning and sorting. Soon, room, soon.

october 038Back to work tomorrow. I’m not really looking forward to it. The 12-8 shift is going to take some getting used to, especially when it’s followed by a 9-5 shift the next day. I guess I’ll have to try and get on a regular sleep schedule to take advantage of several hours free in the morning of 12-8 shifts! Poo.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

October ills

It's interesting being new to my job and observing the performance and interactions of my co-workers from an outside/relatively unbiased perspective. I can see how a lot of the people working here are somewhat...jaded. I feel like I'm in a good position to make observations to my co-workers, but I can tell that it would not be well received, so I just hope that they pick up their acts soon so they don't get fired! I think most of them are not in danger of losing their jobs, but at the same time, if I was their boss, I wouldn't be all that pleased with their performance.

This job is reminding me how much more mature I am than a lot of people my age, and even people who are quite a bit older than me. Gods this whole entry sounds super conceited.

I am sick at work. I wish I could go home and sleep. There's definitely no chance of me getting out early =(. I finally got my air-conditioner out of my window last night, now I need to lug it to the basement (well "now" meaning when I feel better) or somewhere else for the winter, and clean that window. At some point, bugs lived in that window. I can't tell what kind, but there's lots of dried grass in the channels for the storm panes, and some old larvae nests or something. It's pretty gross, I used a stick to clean the channels on the other north-facing window. Nothing beats clean windows though, I feel like my room looks o much better now. I even took out the screens for the winter!

Tomorrow is Transporterfest. I'm looking forward to it, though there are some people that are probably going that I would rather not see. I don't think we'll stay too long; I just want to get some good pictures. I took some pictures I really liked last year, though they weren't much appreciated elsewhere. I find that's true for most of my photography, but I don't mind all that much. I'm doing what I like and keeping an open mind to try and learn to make it better. If it doesn't appeal to other people, that's their opinion, but if they think it's bad, I want to know why!

This entry is kind of rambling and pointless. I'm having a really hard time focusing on anything. sleeeeppppp pplelleeeaasseee


After work: I realized my biggest weakness at work. Aside from not knowing things, I have a hard time not getting pushed over when people don't want to pay for service. It's not that I'm going to give them free service (usually...I did that accidentally today), it's just that I'd rather provide them an alternate way of solving their problem so they can keep their money. I understand their plights, but we have a budget to meet which has not been met in a while, I think. I want to help my store, but I want to help these people, and I'm not sure where the balance is yet.

Friday, October 01, 2010


I'm in Paramus, New Jersey, taking a break from nothing happening to write. Training for my job is going well, I think. There's just a lot to remember, and it will take time before I remember exactly what to enter in the system for each scenario (in-warranty, extended service plan, out of warranty...exceptions to all those etc.). Until I learn it, I have a giant binder with all the SOPs which tell me what to do and save my butt if someone tries to call me out for messing up.

Reminder: I should talk to my counselor about my feelings of gloominess and not wanting to eat. I think this is largely due to spending my evenings alone (I am very used to being with Mr. Holcomb at that time) with nothing to do but watch TV or read (that's not so bad since I have Vampire Hunter D [[swoon]], Gabe you would like these books), also being inside so much. I was very happy and energetic this summer, probably because I was outside and active, swimming, every day. It was great. I miss it. There's no way around it now, sadly, as my job keeps me sedentary and in-doors for at least 50 hrs every week (that's 40 with an approximation of time spent travelling to and from work).

As tasty as room service food has been, I am tired of eating alone to the point that I just want to skip eating and catch up on sleep. Something has been waking me up between 4 and 5am everyday since staying at this hotel, but I haven't heard anything upon waking except for the occasional, usual, hallway noises. I think I'm next to a laundry room though, maybe they run loads of laundry around then.

I'm looking forward to having a stress-free, get-off-at-the-last-stop train ride back to Boston on Sunday. Even more, I'm looking forward to getting picked up by my dearie with my name on a sign.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Imperial Pumpking by Southern Tier

Imperial Pumpking: ?/5 pumpkins
Brewed by: Southern Tier

This was a very odd pumpkin ale. I...really can't think of how to describe it. It was much stronger in flavor than any of the other pumpkin ales I've had, ever. It didn't seem particularly pumpkiny, nor like pumpkin pie. It has a very strong scent to it as well, very sweet, and somewhat appealing in a wheaty-dessert kind of way. The flavor is much like the smell. I am really not sure what to think of it, except that I know this is not the pumpkin ale I am looking for. The color is lovely though!

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

I lost my head

Life is getting busy again and I'm THRILLED. It's going to get harder to spend time with my dearest, of course, but considering how attached-at-the-fucking-hip we've been all summer, this is probably not such a bad thing. Soon he will be busy with school, so we can be blissfully busy together whilst apart. And earning money to boot!

I just priced out health insurance plans with my dad, from what Sony has to offer, and they are SO AFFORDABLE. I feel incredibly blessed that I found this job. So far, it has been pretty fun. The people at my store are very silly and have a fun rapport with one another. I am nervous about being accepted there, but I know I'm a nice and fairly likable person, if a bit odd. I was reminded today (by a co-worker watching YouTube videos with a customer...yeah) that I have a strange sense of humor compared to practically everyone I've ever laughed in front of...that's mostly because I'm usually laughing when others aren't and vice versa. I don't mind it though, I like seeing other people happy. I just wish I knew what makes me laugh a little better, aside from just "people".

And now, from this sleep deprived Tasha, time for reading and sleep. Zzzzzzzz.....

Oh yeah! I bought some Doc Martens for work. They are heavy and comfortable, I am going to try them out tomorrow! They're just black oxford-style. I hope I can make them as comfy as my old steel-toed boots used to be.

Sunday, August 29, 2010


I start work tomorrow, and work through Saturday (but not Tuesday) for a full, 40hr week! I am very nervous, but also really looking forward to keeping busy again, and earning some money in the process. I am not looking forward to walking to the bus-stop in my black pants and black, long-sleeved dress shirt, but at least it's only 10 min, and then the rest of my trip/day should be air-conditioned. I have mostly sorted out the bus schedules for the week, I am just terribly nervous that I'll miss my bus! The bus that goes to the mall from Arlington Center leaves about every half hour, at roughly the half hour, and on the hour. I have to catch the half-hour bus, to get to the mall on time, but only a bus on the hour would guarantee me getting to the store earlier than about 2 min. I am not sure how long it will take to get from the mall stop to the store, but 8-10 min is a little too close for comfort. So that means I get to take the bus that leaves about an hour before my shift, and have about 40 min at the mall Read? I need more reading material.

Anyway, my dad has a recurring monthly combo pass on his CharlieCard, meaning he pays a set fee per month and gets unlimited bus and subway rides for that month. I believe the only limitation is how frequently in succession you can swipe the card at the same location. So I could not swipe myself and then a friend, if we were both going to go on the subway, or the bus at the same time. My dad said I could borrow his card, but I will have to get a local bus pass for $40/mo during the winter, as he will not be riding his bike to work then. It's a pretty good deal nonetheless!

On Tuesday, I hope to go and get my hair trimmed, just to get rid of split-ends so it can keep growing out, and perhaps go apply for a new social security card, as mine has been misplaced (most likely somewhere in the house). The office is actually quite close, so I won't have to mail in my driver's license or my passport to get a replacement!

Today I helped my dad clean and tidy the garage. We set aside a LOT for throwing out, and there will be more going next weekend (gods willing) when the Beetle's new owner comes to get the parts I'm giving him. If he doesn't come...out they go! I am excited about the ease of access of our bikes. I am considering training up to bike to work, but I am not sure how feasible that would be with being able to change once I get there. The roads, at least, would be fairly safe, except once I get close to the mall. Once there, I'm not sure where I could leave my bicycle either. A 40 min, by-bike commute would be preferable to a 1hr 20 min commute/wait to ensure that I'm on time...but I might be able to cut that down to about 1hr if I can make it to the store once I'm at the mall in 8-10 min!

It call comes down to hoping the buses are reliable!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Well, I guess I've had some major things happen in the past 24 hours or so. First, I wake up with the phone call I've been waiting for: a job at Sony Style Retail at the Burlington Mall! I start Monday, with paperwork and most likely some basics. I am nervous, and a bit excited, though I felt very NOT excited about it this morning. I guess the fact that my first real summer (carefree adventures, sleeping in, good times with loved ones, swimming etc.) in 3 years (or more?) is coming to a close hit me, and it made me pretty sad. I'll also have to say goodbye to my eyebrow piercing for the time being, and my nosering will have to disappear for work hours. A silly thing, to more aesthetics, but they've become a part of me.

Next, a nice young man came to look at my car, and we gabbed for a couple hours about it. It was great to
talk to someone who is in the state of mind that I was in three years ago, when I thought buying a car that needs work would be the BEST THING EVER. He is so enthusiastic, and about my car in particular, that I just had to sell it to him. So with some difficulties, the car ran again, and made it out of my driveway. All that's left is for me to take the plates to the RMV (hope I don't have to do much paperwork or anything), and sort out whatever parts I'm giving to this kid. I think it's going to be a lot, because I'd rather just get rid of the parts, than deal with selling things right now. It's just a PITA to list things online and negotiate prices and shipping blah blah blah. So I'm only going to bother for a few things, like the expensive carburetors I found in the garage! If I'm lucky, I can get a cool $100 extra for those!

Then, drama. Me
an people. Stupid people. I squarshed them in my mind like the moth I just squarshed on my desk. But then dinner was pretty tasty, and I had ice cream with hot fudge sauce for dessert, and I felt better about everything.

Car = SOLD!
Level up in life! +1 sense of accomplishment!


Oh, pumpkin ale update? Post Road Pumpkin Ale get's a ONE PUMPKIN out of five. It didn't taste pumpkiny at all, and in retrospect, wasn't even that good of a beer. It was a bit wheaty, but not in a very pleasant way. The smell was OK.

And for Shipyard's Pumpkinhead Ale: Reduced to THREE out of five pumpins, because it only tastes good warm. That's kind of silly. Even in the cooling weather, I prefer a cold beer, and it was disappointing to drink warm, delicious swill, instead of cool, delicious pumpkin ale. I guess they changed something from last year's brew. Perhaps we will find a good replacement this season!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Autumn is coming!

We found Shipyard's Pumpkinhead Ale in a liquor store in Davis Square today; this is an amazing sign because it means it is practically Fall, here in New England. Autumn is by far my favorite season of the year. I hope that it brings me a job and the ability to continue to rework my wardrobe. I've found my sense of style has changed a lot over the past four years, after not making many shifts during high school, but now that I have an idea of what I want, I can't afford it. Most of the changes I want to make are in color, as I'd like to make the shift to earth-tones instead of mostly black, but that still requires money, even if I'm going to try and make some things on my own.

I hope that Autumn also brings me continued good moods and good times. Some new friends would be cool. As much as I love hanging out with my dearest as much as I do, it would be great for us to have other people to hang with as well. Since school friends are not near enough, that leaves pretty much no one! Perhaps a job will help with that...either that or I'll earn more stalkers.

Back to the original topic: I think I am going to review some pumpkin ales this Fall with Holcomb. It'll be pretty informal, as I have no interest in keeping any sort of continuity, just sharing my opinions on the matter because I LOVE pumpkin ale.


Beer Co: Shipyard Brewing Co
Type: Pumpkinhead Ale
Logo: Green horse with green rider, with an orange jack-o-lantern head. Maybe he's supposed to be a statue?
Rating: ***** (5 pumpkins)
Thoughts: I love this ale! I remember from last year that this was my favorite out of the several (at least 5) other pumpkin beers I tried. This one tastes like a liquid pumpkin pie beer. It is fairly sweet, which I find to be a nice contrast to the generally wheaty taste of beers. This beer sets the standard for me, so all other beers will be compared to this one.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Travels to the Los Angeles area

Boring plane rides totaling over 7 hours including a layover in an airport named after one of the George Bush's = drafting blogs in my head. And of course, now that it's the next day, I've forgotten most of it, but I remember the jist of some, even if it's not so eloquent now.

I was in Southern California for a few days this past week, on not-happy business with my boyfriend's family, but the experience is still standing out as positive in my mind. Having lived in Massachusetts my whole life, even for college, I have become accustomed to the idea of four seasons being normal and right, but in California, they have something completely different. Rain? Rarely. They are in a constant state of drought. Snow? Well, there are mountains there...they probably have snow...sometimes. Clouds? No, there is no humidity down there, only smog, so what you think is mist, is really from your car, and the thousands of cars all around you. That is probably what unnerved me the most. I don't like the non-clear blue sky. But the streets are wide and spacious, the sidewalks are not decrepit, and the curbstones? What curbstones? They are made of concrete like the sidewalks, and are sloped to prevent tire/rim damage should you make contact with your vehicle. How neat is that? The streets are much more grid-like than in New England, which is of course a little boring, but so much easier to find your way. That is probably one of the reasons why everything felt so big there; in a grid, it is easier to make adequate space!

The landscape is so different there. We were in "The Foothills", I guess, and I could see mountains in the distance practically all the time. These are not the mountains of New England, the mountains you can sometimes see on the horizon, driving on I-190. These are real mountains, with foothills, and expansiveness, and height. You can probably tell, I found them really cool. And not only is the landscape different from the way it contours, the plant-life is very different there. Being so dry, the most green you see is from happy-desert plants (palm trees of all kinds) and from well-kept plants with hidden sprinklers at the base. Near any shopping complex, peek under the shrubbery and you will find some kind of watering system. It's necessary to keep their flora and fauna alive there. That is an odd concept for me, coming from a pretty rainy place.

There aren't highways there, (you pay for highways) they are freeways. And you have to stop at a light before getting on, to help regulate the flow of traffic. The hairpin exit/on-ramps for the freeways were a bit unnerving too. There are noise-barriers next to the freeways, so nearby neighborhoods experience only the distant din of whooshing cars, rather than a roaring just down the street. Oh and the colors are different there! New England's idea of "earthy colors" generally means deep browns and rich, dark greens. Southern California favors sandy colors, and sandy pinks. Many of the houses and walls were of this color, with very little boring grayish concrete to be seen, even Targets and Babies R Us sported this rock. The schools are also very different there, being designed around having children outdoors as much as possible. I have only seen schools like that in movies from the '80s. Rows of classrooms open straight to outside, with tables and benches in between; even the cubbyholes or lockers are outside. That kind of design is not realistic in Massachusetts, where the variable weather would leave children soaked or freezing, depending on the mood of the sky (I know better than to just say "depending on the season").

Pictures will be added later, most likely.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Thoughts on night-owls

A couple nights ago, I wrote a really beautiful little piece...but unfortunately it was in my head, and I might've still been a bit tipsy. So the beauty of it is debatable, and I couldn't remember what it was about until I backtracked a little bit in my head. See, I used to write things on my forehead, with my finger, before I'd go to sleep so I could remember them later. It nearly always works for me. I used to outline the word "DREAM" on my forehead, the letters overlapping on top of each other in the center of my forehead, and in the morning, I could almost always remember my dreams long enough to write them down. And I had some *weird* dreams. I can thank the Prozac for that. So the other night, I did this trick again, but I only remembered the word a little while ago while I was trying to sleep (and failing, thanks to eating half a pizza and a molten lava cake from Dominos...ugh, stuffed). "DARK". What did I want to write about darkness? This is all I can remember.


Recently my sleep schedule has changed rather drastically. I got pretty used to a fairly "normal" wake-up schedule during my last year in college, and the summer before. Working full-time, 35 hrs a week, Monday through Friday, for a summer really got me on a cycle. I would get up at 8am, or a little after depending on when I was going to shower, so that meant I would ideally be in bed by midnight, if not earlier. During the school year, I got a little slack because of my schedule, but I still woke up before 10am on weekends.

Recently Holcomb and I have been staying up till 2am and sleeping in till 11am or noon. The amount of sleep is perhaps forgivable, afterall, we are swimming at least 20 laps practically everyday, but at least for me, the laps are more invigorating than tiring, inevitably. The sleep schedule seems to have grown out of video game playing and TV watching (or show-watching on the computer). The schedule is strange to both of us. I have not slept like this since high school, when I would do so whenever possible. College was a time of good sleeping for me, I kept pretty good schedules. This probably annoyed various friends who wanted to hang out for longer, and a (now ex) boyfriend who liked to stay up till 4 or 5am, but was forced to sleep earlier because I could not sleep knowing he was still awake somewhere in the house, and being awake in the room while I slept was out of the question.

What is the allure of the night-owl life? I have always found it appealing, though hard to maintain. My dad has always enjoyed the late-night/early-morning hours, I can recall many times that my mom told me in the morning that my dad had been up until 2am again. Is that so late? For certain lifestyles, yes of course. What is the allure for me? There is something romantic about the late-night hours that I could never understand. Maybe it is simply the darkness. It's certainly not the television shows. What is it about darkness that holds an appeal for observation? We cannot see much anyway, no matter how good our night-vision may be.

There is something exciting about what you cannot see, but you know is there. Darkness is like fire: it is obviously there, but it is not tangible, it cannot truly be held or processed. Fire is always moving, and the darkness has no shape. What *is it* about these things that we find so intoxicating? Fascination of the unknown.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Go, Franzy, go!

In the decision to sell my car, many things have almost made me stop and reverse my decision. So many people have helped with this project, whether from wrenching, a donation of parts, or just some sympathy. I have felt guilty and like I'm letting all those people down by selling the car. They gave up time, money, and parts for me, and I'm just throwing it away for some more dough. But that is not the case, as I have been constantly reminding myself. These people helped me yes, but they GAVE these things to me. I do not owe them anything but gratitude in return, and I believe I have given it in all due cases.

So. Franz has been a great project, I learned a lot during the course of trying to make it work. Mostly of my own impatience. I like putting things together, but being a visual learner, I greatly dislike learning from reading books or having people tell me to "figure it out". I like to see how things are getting done, and then do it myself, or have someone guide me through it step by step. Next time, I probably will not undertake such an in-depth project. If the car was just running, it's entirely possible I'd keep it, but I just don't have the patience or funds to worry about it right now. Right now, I don't need a car. Franz was a great first, even though I really didn't get to drive it. That is probably the most disappointing part of the project, but I think I would rather learn to drive in a safer, sturdier, easier to handle car, than this one.

I hope that some kind, VW-enthusiast will buy the car from me and treat it with care. I hope that they will also buy a lot of the spare parts I have so that they are easier to get rid of...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Reading Laini Taylor's blog makes me happy: she has such a positive outlook and her accomplishments are wonderful to read about. Not only does she have the most spectacular pink hair, she writes amazing books and lives in the most beautiful, fairy-tale house.

So I am inspired to write here again, and to type about my goals. Today I picked up a card at an auto-shop that listed VWs on their sign. The man at the front desk did not seem to know what an "air-cooled Volkswagen" is, so I am slightly skeptical at their capabilities when it comes to *my* car in particular ('74 Baja Beetle, for anyone who doesn't know). Maybe they're not as specialized as I seem to think, but being old, it's not the kind of car that I would want just *anybody* working on. We'll see. Maybe I can ask them particular questions that will tell me if they can do the work or not. I just wonder how much it might cost to fix the engine (and maybe replace the e-brakes and do some transmission work).

The other option, of course, is to sell, but I don't think I could sell the car for much as it is now. I'm not even sure if it matters how much I'd sell it for either. Either the car is fixed in a huge way so that I can drive it and keep fixing it, or I sell it and wait to buy a car that needs less work and at least has functioning heat/engine/transmission, if not the most beautiful beast in the world.

Cleaning my room is progressing in all kinds of good ways. I am continuously trashing things and putting clothes in bags to donate them. Today I should be able to move my bed and desk around so I don't feel so cramped when sleeping. I'm going to buy an air-conditioner this week, as my room is the second hottest in the house (attic, my sister's room, being the worst, but she has an AC), and I don't even have a fan. The terrible insulation in this house probably makes it incredibly NOT energy efficient, in heat or cold. I could really use new windows too...much as I love the old glass panes, they suck the heat out in winter (and my radiator doesn't work), and pull it in during the summer.

-room cleaning
-possession inventorying/cleaning/purging
-new clothes (re-fit some t-shirts, buy some shorts, business casual outfits for interviews, NICE SANDALS)
-shades for my room? I hate vinyl blinds, but they would keep prying eyes out best/cheapest, most likely.
-paint something...I don't know what, but I feel like changing the color of *something*. My room, however, is staying purple for eternity.
-finish YA fantasy short-story. Put aside for a couple months. MASSIVE EDITS. Keep posting it. This is the only story I've ever felt could go somewhere, I feel like it belongs in a YA fantasay short-story anthology.
-sell books
-find things to sell
-clean out writing desk as much as possible for possible selling...or donating =(

Oh yeah. I graduated from Clark with a GPA of 3.21, and a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature, specialization: Gender Studies. I realize now that without my job at the Help Desk, I could have pulled off a MUCH higher GPA. I regret that a little...but I loved my job, and it was an excellent work experience. I got to rise through the ranks and experience a level of responsibility and maturity that most other students my age were not yet realizing. I am proud of myself for that, and selfishly wish that my endeavors at ITS could have been recognized at the ceremony or through some kind of grant or scholarship. Regardless, I am eternally grateful for the amazing learning experience ITS gave me, and all that I learned from the positions I worked there.

And now...finding a fan so I don't pass out as I keep cleaning. Goal for today: clean up enough so that I can set up my speakers to my stereo, and hook my stereo up to my computer!

Saturday, May 01, 2010

No music, just birds.

And for a classic "should be doing other things" post...a reflection of sorts.

Today I am feeling filled with content about my past and my future. I feel at peace with things done right and wrong. This past school year has had some huge downers, as well as some incredible highs, and I am embracing them all. From everything low, I learned, and from everything high, I am still feeling the glow. I feel that I worked as hard as I could in all aspects of my life, and whether my grades reflect this in the end, I am not worried.

This weekend is my last chance to print the photos I am in love with. I hope to have the chance (and extra paper) to print some photos for my family and myself as well. My photography final should be fun and relaxing, I am really looking forward to seeing the work from all of my classmates too. I keep thinking "Oh, well they've seen all of my work before", but I'm sure they don't remember it anyway, just as I don't completely remember theirs.

Beckie (co-worker) reminded me last night that wanting a better (ahem, shall we say "real") camera is not a bad thing. Working with a point and shoot is not really going to show ones photographic potential. I have found that working with my dad's old SLR this semester has been very beneficial in developing my skill. Having an actual focus (lens) to manipulate allowed me to create the photos I wanted. I feel rather proud. Hopefully things will work out for me and I can get a cheap D-SLR this year. Much as I enjoy printing my own photos, that can't happen past this weekend, so going back to digital is much more feasible.

Even though my computer is on the fritz and I rely on it so heavily, I am not really concerned anymore. I have no doubt that at some point, things will work out in my favor. Anyway, there are PLENTY of computers available for me to use at home, so it's not like I'll at any point be without the ability to write in a Word document or check my email.

Hm... That's all for now. Next week I am going to try to write two 7-page papers, one of which will probably be fairly difficult and time consuming, the other of which should be pretty easy. I hope to get them both done by the 7th, so I can pass them in, go home, and not come back till it's time to move out.

I have a desire to see empty rooms.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

When I die they're gonna bury me in Jersey

Yesterday I felt really good about this week. Today I feel pretty down in the dumps, so I'm looking for something else to think about.

Art is becoming a huge part of my life, at least for the next few weeks. My Drawing final basically needs to be done by April 29, we are working on an Icarus/Goddard theme in a stairwell of our library (named after Robert Goddard, father of modern rocketry). I need to draw some hands tomorrow, looking like a mushroom cloud or some kind of explosion. That's what I *want* to draw anyway. I don't like feeling pressure when it comes to art, it makes me draw worse, it makes me unhappy with my work. I have a lot of photos that need printing and still need to be taken, but not a lot of time for it. I should probably not go home this weekend, but I really do need the time off in order to survive finals, and I really do not want to miss out on time with Holcomb.

I have plans for a self-portrait that I think could be really good if I can meter it right. It would be best on large paper, but I don't know if I want to spend the money on it/investigate that right now because it's so close to the final. We present our portfolio of 10 spectacular images on the 3rd. I have maybe 5-6 chosen, some of those need to be reprinted. I can't remember, I can't keep track of that stuff in my head right now.

I'm tired of people cooking while I want to cook. I don't like fighting for space in the kitchen, and I usually have pretty limited/specific times to eat/cook.

I am really looking forward to being at home, sleeping in my room again. If only my mattress wasn't falling apart. I can hear the springs rubbing on each other when I put weight on it, it's pretty bad, and starting to get pretty lumpy. I've had it for 4-5 years, I think? 6 max. Really not long enough for it to be dying like this.

I haven't had time to plan how we're getting around NYC and when we're going where etc. I'm even worrying about that right now, and that's supposed to be something stress-free and fun.

Gotta find focus today.

Monday, March 29, 2010

We were laughing in the sunshine.

For a number of weeks now I've been having a variety of exceptionally strange dreams and nightmares every single night. I can only recall one night recently after which I could not recall any dreams. I should probably just start recording them for entertainment value, they are pretty absurd. Except for the nightmares, those are not pleasant and I don't like to share them except when they upset me too much.

Last night I dreamt I met Barack Obama. It was a cloudy, hot summer day, I think I was supposed to be in Maine or New Hampshire, near the ocean. There were lots of kids running around an open yard, and they suddenly ran to him. He picked one up and chatted with each one individually for a few moments each. Holcomb and I got in line to shake his hand. I thought about what to say to him and couldn't think of anything. I shook President Obama's hand and commented about the weather (I realized recently that I do this a lot, it's actually an amazing ice breaker sometimes) and the mosquitoes. I had a bunch of bug bites, and he very exhaustedly recommended some kind of bug repellent, I think it had the word "log" in it. I thanked him, and then Holcomb moved forward to say pleasantly, "I think I am far too in love with my girlfriend" to Obama's, "What's up?" I broke from the dream a bit here because I couldn't decide if I want to go kiss Holcomb, smile at him, or go, "You have a girlfriend!?"

This morning I wondered what I would do if I ever met President Obama in a casual situation (impossible, I know). I think I would politely inquire after his health and then ask if I could do anything for him. Whether or not you like the president's policies or views, you have to admit, it's a tough job, and I'm sure the guy could use something simple and stress-free every once in a while. I think I'd like to buy the president an ice cream (or we could just have ice cream together...courtesy of the White House kitchen 'cause I'm broke).

It's supposed to be GORGEOUS out this weekend (thanks for the heads up, Gregoire), I am really excited. Celebrating Pascha (Easter) has been a huge part of my life since always, and even now that I don't feel a particularly spiritual connection to the holiday, I love celebrating it. My family has a party every year with some of their church friends, lots of meat and booze. This weekend should be spectacular. Now that my camera does not appear to be broken after all, I intend on taking lots of photos. =)

Monday, March 01, 2010

I haven't had a day alone since I met you.

Hullo, March.  Today is Liz's birthday and Self-Injury Awareness day.  I think I shall do something for the latter event, probably just wear red.

And as for the title of this entry, I really feel like it's true for once.  Even before dating, David and I quickly became good friends and confidantes.  It's all happened so fast, but I am madly in love and absurdly happy when he's with me.  And even when he's an hour away, it's only an hour and I'm glad to know he's always on the other end of some line.

Hmm I had thoughts for an entry.  I think it was along the lines of:

I can't wait for college to be over.  No more homework or work outside of a work environment/classroom for a while.  I look forward to having any kind of steady-pay job, even if it's part-time, and living in my purple room again.  I look forward to having more time and hopefully money to get my car functioning well.  I look forward to spending some more time with my family and getting to visit my grandmother.  I look forward to fewer deadlines and fluctuating schedules.

May 23rd can't come soon enough.  Maybe someday I'll stop hating Mondays so much.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Slow starts.

This morning I remembered that Spring semesters are difficult for me. I can't account for high school years anymore, but for college, this has certainly held true.  Freshman year, I started working at ITS, and I can recall a number of days when I was unwilling to get out of bed and go to work.  Everything was going well for me, but I just could not motivate myself.  Sophomore year I was fairly moody that semester and I believe I tried therapy or counseling again.  It didn't go well.  Junior year I was struggling with the inevitable break-up.  I became somewhat more social during the latter part of the semester, but in the beginning, I'm sure I was pretty unpleasant.  The hardest part about these times is just getting out of bed.  It should get better when the days get longer and the weather is better, but for now, I dread seeing the snow outside my window, I dread the inevitable cold showers of Tuesday and Thursday mornings, and my fear of falling behind in all of my classes, as it happens.

I look forward to more warm mornings and tossed blankets with a certain someone.  Wherever those mornings may be.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Photography is out to get me

Alright, letting some frustration bleed over here.

I have to catch up in Photography. There are going to be more than a few ruined rolls of film as I sort out what the fuck I'm doing again. I can't get the light right, I don't know if I'm overdeveloping or underdeveloping because I can't remember what each looks like on the negatives. I can't look at negatives and tell if they're good or not. Maybe I couldn't before. It seemed so intuitive then. Maybe my focus has changed.

I'm going to buy the Lomography Fisheye toy camera. Hopefully that, with its simple fixed focus and built in flash, will bring a bit of love back to photography. I'm even hating on my digital camera right now. The internal memory being slow, I'm used to that now, but DAMN why does it distort when you take pictures too close? I guess it's kind of a wide angle lens? Hell if I know. I need a reference book for all this terminology, I just can't remember anything. I just want a nice little self-portrait goddammit!

What I'd really like to photograph this semester is myself and David. Not necessarily together, but that would be nice too. First thing is getting my negatives to look a hell of a lot better, get a better sense of lighting and the settings on my camera again. Then, figure out how to DIY a bit of lighting so I don't have to go down to Traina Center for an "organized" shoot. I want to capture David's discontent with his status as a soldier in expressive portraits, and I want to examine what it means to be photogenic in myself. Sounds fun, yes? NOT IF I CAN'T PHOTOGRAPH MYSELF FOR CRAP. The negatives I developed today looked terrible, but of course, I can't be sure until I go to the darkroom because I can't look at those damn shadows properly.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Isn't it a pity?

Even before my classes begin, I find myself wanting to sew more and more.  This usually occurs when I'm trying to avoid something, but right now, it's because I've felt more energetic lately than I have felt in years.  I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt consistently awake and lively for several days in a row, or weeks even.  Since high school maybe?  I couldn't tell ya!

I am really looking forward to my classes.  Drawing should be good, I've heard great things about the instructor and I've been wanting to brush up on those skills for ages.  I'm crap with shading, and never tried charcoal.  Photography will be fun, Stephen said it's the best because it's mostly seniors and we're all just chill and ready to have fun with our work.  The Short Story should be interesting at the very least, Jay Elliot is a genius and I'm looking foward to hearing him talk about something I might actually understand.  Plus, I love writing short stories.  17th Century Literature Topics is a bit intimidating, but I love Professor Neuman.  Her enthusiasm should make it loads easier to get through.

Vague project list:

-Bomber hat for my mom (need some supplies)

-Valentine's gift for Holcomb (need some supplies)

-use more of Jon's denim...but for what?!?!

-use more of the faux fur for...something

-learn how to make pants (with pockets)

-embellish the bright yellow coat

-fix up the tacky princess dress (dye it?)

-dye the hand warmers from Gabe (need dye...purple I think)

-scarf for Holcomb =P

-use the awesome blue dress for...a dress?

-MAKE A DRESS DUMMY (need a friend for this, also need packing strips..the kind you wet and then apply?)

-get purty dress dry-cleaned

-get zipper fixed on heavier leather jacket

-sort through project materials (aka. fabric...)

-get rid of some project materials/organize =\

Friday, January 15, 2010

It's in the water, baby.

How do you convince someone you care about that something might help them, when they vehemently refuse it as an option?

You can't.

This is a hard thing to learn.  I'm going to have to let go of it eventually, maybe soon, if things go the way I think they might.

Work 9-5 at the Help Desk is always tasking on my brain.  I found my sanity slipping towards the end of most days this past week, and last night I started to feel physically unwell, to the point that I went to bed around 9:30 pm and got up at 8am.  I slept well, and felt fine upon waking, but I find it happening again today.  Thank goodness that's over with.  Forever!  At least at Clark.  What an odd thought.  No more 9-5 Help Desk hours.  I will miss it, but not anytime soon.

Foreign operating systems can suck my toe.

Friday, January 01, 2010

The curtain comes down, the crowd it thins out

First a meme.  Some actual content at the bottom.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? - Drank at a bar for the purpose of drinking, got a beer on tap, went on a date, went on a fancy date, drove on the highway.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? - I don't recall making any last year.  I have none for this year, just going to keep trying to improve myself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? - No

4. Did anyone close to you die? - No

5. What countries did you visit? - None aside from the US, sadly.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? - Money, patience.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? - December 21st, I fell in love again. ^_^

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? - I had an incredibly smooth break-up from a two-and-a-half-years-long relationship.  I got better at waiting before I say something I might regret, but that still needs improving.

9. What was your biggest failure? - Not stopping to think, not stepping away from situations to calm down and figure out what happened.  I didn't do as much on my car or drive as much as I wanted.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? - Not really.  At least one rather draining virus.  Puked once, but that was alcohol induced =P

11. What was the best thing you bought? - Hm.  I didn't make any major purchases that I can recall.  I would say my mom buying me the combat boots was the best purchase made for me.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? - Duk was incredibly wise and patient for at least the second half of the year, when it came to me.  It was greatly appreciated =)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? - Sigh.  Best not to get into this.

14. Where did most of your money go? - Rent.  Not much into my car.  Definitely not as much as it needs.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? - Going on the fancy date.  Going to Maine.  Seeing Dear and the Headlights. Hm I can't really think past this summer.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? - Probably "La Pour Ca" by Nada Surf, or anything by Dear and the Headlights.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? - I would say happier...but I'm not sure.  Probably weigh about the same, maybe a little more, definitely poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? - Waited.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? - Cried.

20. How did you spend Christmas? - With family, in Maine.  In love.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? - Indeed.  Both were a bit unexpected and one went somewhat disastrously once I realized it. =\ The other seems to be turning out pretty well =D

22. What was your favorite TV program? Doctor Who. 

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? - I am not hating on anybody at current.  Merely peeved.

24. What was the best book you read? - Hm.  We'll go with "Alice in Wonderland".

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? - Oh geez.  I didn't really discover anything, but... Dear and the Headlights.

26. What did you want and get? - New combat boots.  New friends.

27. What did you want and not get? - Things to work out with somebody... Earlier I wanted Duk and I to work out, but we did, just not in the way I had originally desired. =)

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Oh geez.  I honestly don't know, I didn't see that many new films.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? - I went out to dinner with friends and turned 21.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? - I honestly don't know, I am fairly content with the way things are.  Okay, more money would be good.  And a car to take myself places in =\

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? - Casual punk.

32. What kept you sane? - Duk, Holcomb, my family (oddly enough heh).  Music.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? - David Tenant <3

34. What political issue stirred you the most? - I am always irritated/interested by abortion/reproductive rights debates.

35. Who did you miss? - The person that I'm not talking to right now =\

36. Who was the best new person you met? - Holcomb...though everybody I "met" this year I kind of already knew, just got to know better.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. - Sometimes space apart and time is the only thing that can salvage a relationship.  Actually, most times.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. - And our eyes they all drown, our tongues get wrung out
There ain't nothing here for us to taste that ain't bitter already

New Years eve was spent with an excessive amount of nerves, then hunting down a bar in Faneuil Hall in Boston.  We found the saddest bar in Boston, with an odd collection of young and old, completely ignoring each other, huddled around the bar centered in the middle of the place.  One Guinness draft from the tap each and we split in search of a more lively locale.  We finally found one and I experienced a very confused Screwdriver (cranberry juice and lime?) and a bartender who wasn't familiar with Irish Carbombs.  We made our own, I can't chug, but it was good anyway.  We hustled back and made it just in time for some complimentary champagne at the sad bar.  I dislike champagne.  I think most people do, it's just fancy looking so they suck it up.  My Tequila Sunrise was very tequila-y, and not orange.  All in all, I was drunk enough to stay warm, and I had fun.  Having someone you love to kiss on New Years is a nice novelty that I hope to enjoy again. =)

Tomorrow: The New England Aquarium!  I don't think I've been since middle school and I quite enjoyed it then.  I am looking forward to the briny scent in the air and hopefully some cool schwag in the gift shop.  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  And Doctor Who season finale at 8:30pm!!!

For now: cleaning my room, packing up some books to send out for $s, maybe watching some of the Doctor Who marathon and hopefully eating something warm and delicious.