Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Looking back on 2009...kind of.

Give or take a few, the books I read (for courses and leisure [though I didn't include all school-related ones]) in 2009:

1. Tales of Beetle the Bard by J.K. Rowling
2. Inkheart by Cornelia Funke
3. Inkspell by Cornelia Funke
4. Inkdeath by Cornelia Funke
5. Dragon Wing by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman
6. Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr
7. Trickster's Choice by Tamora Pierce
8. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
9. Ink Exchange by Melissa Marr
10. Trickster's Queen by Tamora Pierce
11. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
12. Son of the Shadows by Juliet Marillier
13. Child of the Prophecy by Juliet Marillier
14. Alice in Wonderland (that's both stories) by Lewis Carroll
15. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
16. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
17. The Alchemyst
18. The Sorceress
19. The Magician (all 3 by Michael Scott)
20. Howl's Moving Castle
21. Abarat by Garth Nix
22. Abarat: Days of Magic, Nights of War by Garth Nix
23. Sense & Sensibility by Jane Austen
24. Faeries of Dreamdark: Silksinger by Laini Taylor
25. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
26. Sandman by Neil Gaiman (the whole thing...approx 11 books)
27. Mansfield Park by Jane Austen
28. Moby Dick

29. Persuasion by Jane Austen

30. Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

31. (this was read earlier in the year but I forgot to include it) Fragile Eternity by Melissa Marr

This is not nearly as many books as I'd hoped to read in the year.  I did not include most of the books I had to read for courses because a) I did not enjoy most of them and b) I often did not finish them.  The ones included I finished and/or enjoyed.

I already have a few books I know I want to read for next year and I need to raid my fella's science fiction collection for some more reads.  He got three of my favorite novels, I intend to borrow at least that many from him!

And now, a cleansing, hot shower, a deep sleep, and hopefully what will be a productive day with my car.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Build a ladder if there's a wall

My haus is so dry that the sponges harden overnight. I have heard that a basin of water over a cast iron radiator will help with this. Guess what I'll be doing in my room?

I was awoken this morning at quarter to eight by the sound of a chainsaw. I had forgotten it was supposed to snow and discovered it was actually a snow blower when I looked outside. The snow was welcome and beautiful, but now the sky is peeing and we are getting some terrible slush. Fuck Physical Plant hard up the ass with a broomstick because they clear the sidewalks once and don't do anything about the slush that will turn to treacherous, ankle-breaking ice. Also, fuck my neighbors for not shoveling their sidewalks!

It is kind of amazing what my brain can do when pushed to its limits. Here I am with 38 pages due next week and I've only written a 4-5 page presentation that doesn't count towards that page count. I have a schedule written out, but when I have to write a draft of a paper and at least 7 pages on another in one day that I have 4 hours of work, it seems unlikely that I'll get it all done. Rumor has it the 20-pager due Monday may get pushed back, but that's just going to fuck up my schedule! At least I've been forced to think about it and kind of start it now. And at least I have the whole weekend to work on the 20-pager... The others will get fit in somehow. =(

And it's not just the pages, it's life. There's been plenty of drama drifting around, very unusual for me, but I guess I brought it on myself. In some ways, it's been terrible, and in others, it's been wonderful. That is the nature of things, I suppose.

I am looking forward to:
-dinner with a friend
-Museum of Science
-Harry Potter exhibit at Museum of Science
-hot chocolate
-being in Boston with snow (I hope)
-getting good at driving
-reading a fuck-ton of whatever I want
-sleeping well

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Why do you get all the love in the world?

I guess it's all about being ready to change.  There have been many times where I have said to myself, "Now, its time to change.  Now, I need to change or I'll lose."  Most of those times, I have not been ready, and I have not changed, not drastically enough to make note of it at least.  Old habits die hard, sure, but it's more about me saying, "No, fucking drop it already, ya fuckwad.  Let GO."  Only when I am ready to say that, in a very specific tone and accent, can I start to change.

Today I feel ready to change.  And I am saying to myself, fucking move on.  Much as I've loved people in the past, much as I've wanted to change myself to salvage things with them, I couldn't, I wasn't ready.  I have to make myself ready, and I really feel, this time, that it might be possible.  I am so much more aware of my flaws now than I was even a few months ago, and I am determined to change them.  I am determined to pay close attention to myself and take my fuck-ups as they come and do something about it.  I am determined to take that breath before I speak, to adjust my tone before it is released.

I am fortunate that Duk and I are still friends, and we have the chance to remain very close friends, if we can find the time.  I could not pull myself together for him, but I wasn't ready, and that's how it was meant to happen.  He laid a good groundwork at least, I can look back and see where he was trying to help me, when I was floundering.  Other people are now helping me sift through my shit now, and laying it out on the floor for me to examine, prune, discard, and re-color.  When it's all re-painted, I hope to be much more awesome than I hopefully could be considered now.  Maybe when the walls are a bearable color or combination of colors, I can invite somebody else over to check it out, but not until then.

I'm actually very content being single right now.  I'm very happy being recognizable as my own person, being invited to things for just me, and being known as "someone" instead of "someone's someone."  This is getting off-track, and will end now.

NO WAIT, one other thing.

I think it's really important for people to have an understanding of themselves before they even try to date anyone.  Dating is somewhat experimental, sure, it takes at least once to help you learn how you work within relationships, but when I know that I can stand on my own fairly well, and be less reliant on other people for happiness or coping, then I'll be ready to try another relationship.  The next time I do this, I want to know that I don't have to see this person every day to be happy, I don't want to be debilitatingly upset when they are frustrated/disappointed with/in me.  When I can deal with that, I'll be ready to exist as an individual alongside another individual and I think it will work out very well.  And if it doesn't, it should be all the more easier to separate ourselves and move on, because we will not be dependent.  We can have our own friends, better if they overlap I think, but it won't be necessary for us to be tied at the hip.  Independence is important and I've not believed that or understood what it really is for a long time.

I'm also never going to date someone so soon after meeting them.  For neo-nazi-ex in high school, I knew him a week maybe?  That only lasted about a month.  For Duk, we'd known each other just under a month.  Sure we lasted longer, but things were deteriorating a while before we could actually break up.  Short version: establishing a good friendship beforehand is a good idea.  So yeah.  There you go. [[awkwardly tip-toes away]]

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

"Sparse" poetry

I've been really enjoying writing "sparse" poetry lately.  For me, the idea behind this poetry is that you get a vague idea of a story, or a theme, but you are left to interpret it in your own way.  It's really meant to be interpreted in its vagueness.  Some poetry should not be interpreted, but merely appreciated, I think.

For this week's "sparse" poem, I give you...


The spark of a freshly washed
sock ignited a war
of t-shirts and boxers thrown
across the concrete room.

We had sex on the warm laundry
and didn't
wash the clothes

In these moments in time,
we are static.


Titled tentatively "When I Miss You", originally "Static".  Btw, I have not had sex on warm, clean laundry, but it sounded like a nice, spontaneous location.  I think this "sparse" poetry uses my voice well.  My poetry is generally identifiable by a very easy to understand voice and only necessary vocabulary.  Here, I get the bare minimum with something powerful hidden underneath.  I mean, I think, anyway.   I worry that it doesn't stand alone well, without reading some of my other work (which you can, here: on my deviantART profile).

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Faith in music

Sitting on the 5th floor of the library, next to a big window, on an ITS-managed computer, I am very distracted by The Dresden Dolls singing through my Skull Candy headphones about backstabbing, and the beautiful scenery beyond the little rocky roof next to the window. I am supposed to be finishing an annotated bibliography up here, and in fact, I need to be finding some books as well as finishing the annotation for two articles, but I am so content to sit here, full of hot chocolate and music, and just think about anything not class related.

It's gorgeous out today. The sky is a mix of distinct gray and white clouds downtown and on the other side of Worcester, with blue sky taking over from the south (this is a guess). The light is just perfect from this side of the library, and it was perfect trench coat weather this morning.

I love the pumpkins in October. There is pumpkin flavored EVERYTHING and I love it. Why can't October be longer? 31 days is not enough, give February one more and give October 32 days. February is not exciting anyway. October has PUMPKINS. Pumpkin flavored chai, latte, chai lattes, beer, cake, muffins, cupcakes, frosting, condoms (probably not)... I love it. I found the perfect pumpkin ale: Shipyard Pumpkinhead Ale. My friend says it's too pumpkiny but I think it's perfect. Harvest Moon's wasn't pumpkiny enough, Post Road Pumpkin Ale was okay, but this is just heaven, it has the spices just right. I wish I'd taken some from home, i don't think my family will like them, but at least they'll be waiting for me whenever I get home in November.

This month has been good to me. I've been adventurous and met someone new/hung out with them for an entire afternoon, and they were cool and I'd like to do that again. I've pretty much kept up with my school work except for this week, and I'm balancing work/school-work okay, though it would still be easier without work-work. I'm healthy now too! Only thing is I'm neglecting a bunch of friends because I don't have quite enough time to venture out more to see them, and neither do they =\

I do miss the thirsty Thursdays of summer. Those were some very good times.

This is one of those lovely moments where I am sitting by myself and smiling like a fool with nobody to see, but I'm happy that way.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Another review of sorts, but mostly ramblings

A show and a concert are different things and different experiences. KMFDM was a concert, people stood and listened, there was a moshpit, but mostly, it was not an interactive experience. One could argue that listening to music in itself is an interactive experience, but it's not enough for me, at least. The Dear and the Headlights show, on the otherhand, was a show, and I greatly enjoyed it. Not saying I didn't enjoy the KMFDM concert, it just isn't what I go for. Oh, I also went to see The Fall of Troy at Toad's Place in New Haven, CT, Sept. 19th, but that show is too far removed from my mind to comment on now. It was fun, but the barricade separating under-21s from over-21s was pretty fucking stupid and resulted in Joe and I getting stuck on the boring side.

9/24/2009, Middle East Upstairs, Cambridge MA
Dear and the Headlights was touring with Kinch and Rajiv Patel. There was an opening band (Baker?) that said they were nameless and this was their last show. The music was sort of...indie surf rock, and it was pretty fun, though to me, not very original. I couldn't tell you where I've heard it before, but it sounded like things I've heard before. Rajiv Patel was a man with his guitar, and oh, he did some wondrous things. Check out his Myspace page if you'd like. He had one man with him on the drums, but the first song he played was him with the guitar, sitting at a bass drum, one foot on the pedal, and the other on a tamborine. I was blown away, and greatly regret not buying his 2 cds for $5. Kinch was also lots of fun, I guess they're...indie pop? They also have a website and you can download their music for free, so check it out! I really like the song John Adams and Carolina Cannonball. Very catchy, very fun to see rocking out on stage.

And then there's D&tH. I only started listening to them very recently, this summer, but I really like the music. Even though they don't always make sense to me, the lyrics are so beautifully crafted with the music, and I am seriously in love with it. One of the songs that speaks to me is "It's Getting Easy", which seems to be about the inner struggle that one often encounters when taking drugs for ones own "well-being". Maybe it's a metaphor, but plain and simple, I can relate to it. I also love "Parallel Lines", it's such a sweet melody, and I hope that I can relate to this one someday.. D&tH has some music on their Myspace page and not much on their official website, but I hope they'll come to New England sometime next year again. All the bands mentioned in this blog entry are from the Southwest, unfortunately for us.

On a somewhat related note, I have a radio show! Kind of. Clark has it's own online-radio, it used to be on the real airwaves, but people had sex on the air or something, so that doesn't happen anymore. Visit www.clarku.edu/students/rocu to see the schedule and figure out how to listen in advance. My show is Wednesdays 10pm-11pm, it's called "That Show" (look it up on the Schedule page to read my bio and see a silly picture). I have nothing interesting planned for this week, so you might hear me talk a lot, but we'll see. This largely depends on how much homework I haven't done!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Photos from Maine

Originally uploaded by punk kitty wench
This would be lovely as a print, I think, and I intend to make it one when I can make time to go to the photo lab and use up the last of my paper. Then it won't be dusty and I can fix the resolution. =\

Few more negative scans can be found here http://www.flickr.com/photos/66967489@N00/sets/72157618163609836/

Craving hair?

At the moment, I am craving short, bright hair.  My profile picture here on blogspot (or blogger, it was just blogspot when I first joined) is probably one of my favorite self-portraits for a few reasons, and one of them in my hair.  I loved that cut, and I love how it looks in that picture and how beautifully effing bright it is.

Even super blonde would be good, but how amazing would super bright pink hair be?  Maybe super blue hair would be better, as that is the current color.  But it's so long.... Well, long for *me*.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


So apparently Ritalin and energy drinks have similar effects on my mind.  It's not entirely pleasant, but interesting, and so I considered today an experiment.  A bad day for experimentation for sure, what with bordering on exhaustion and all, but I needed to get through the day without falling apart.  So I drank a Monster!

When I take Ritalin (or apparently when I drink Monster), I think quite a bit faster, and thus talk quite a bit faster.  I definitely process stimuli much faster than I normally would, but it's very confusing to me, because at the same time that I am thinking so quickly, I am wondering "Wow, how am I doing this?" and end up thinking about my thinking...while I'm thinking.  It creeps me out because it's so unlike how my brain normally is.  It's like...controlled scatter-brain.  I can multi-task, I am efficient, but I still have an awful shortterm memory and I get very excitable in that sort of state, which can be dangerous for me.  I am generally pretty excitable, I'd say, if we're defining excitable as easy distracted or able to switch to trains of thought very quickly, but not between.  With a stimulant though, I end up confused in the back of my mind by all the thinking that's going on and generally just end up feeling very uncomfortable.  I wish it would really make a difference for me, but I don't think a different type of medication would really help having executive functioning disorder.

I am going to experiment with caffeine while I'm in Maine, maybe just a cup of tea in the morning to start with.  I'll be getting enough sleep, and keeping active, so that seems like a good time to moderate my energy levels.  Perhaps just regular caffeine won't leave me shaky and a little freaked out.

I've lost 5lbs in the past 3 weeks.  I'm at my lowest weight right now.  This isn't good, and I have no idea how it happened.  I was 118 when I went to the doctor.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Okay. So. That movie that I saw? Yeah, that one. Don't read if you don't want spoilers on how dissatisfying the movie was. There were a lot of things left out, for starters. The movie was very awkwardly paced, and oh my goodness, so many moments that could be miscontrued as awkward homoeroticism that my neighbors (friends/hausmates Anders and Simon) had to point out and giggle about.

Ron (Rupert Grint) is sadly not cute and not very funny anymore. I thought he was the highlight of the movies for a while, at least the best comic relief, but unfortunately, no longer. Maybe it was just the haircut, I don't know. Harry (Daniel Radcliffe) was his usual fairly-blank-faced self HOWEVER he became the highlight of the movie at a lot of points because he was actually acting like a normal teenage boy. It was pretty entertaining (the fact that he was acting like the 16-year-old that he's supposed to be? erm...yeah pretty much). Oh yeah, Hermione (Emma Watson) might be hot, this movie confirms it.

The "liquid luck" scene was disappointing, Harry was absolutely hilarious, but seemed like an energetic-drunk. The romantic scenes were incredibly annoying, there was a lot of new (read: non-book material) Ginny sequences. Lavendar and Ron were pretty spot-on, but it was pretty painful to watch because of Ron's poor acting. Also THE WEASLEY HOUSE DOES NOT EVER BURN DOWN WTF.

I was pretty satisfied with Dumbledore's performance, I just wish he'd acted more like Dumbledore in the other movies. The end of the movie was INCREDIBLY unsatisfying, I was most disappointed by that, but you'll have to pay and suffer in order to find out why. Me, I got in free.

Anyway, done with that lame report. Joe keeps reading over my shoulder and making me self-conscious about my typing abilities and general text-content.

Friday, June 19, 2009

dance, dance

Okay so maybe not on the cryptic relationship-related rant.

Today I was listening to music on my Creative Zen (they have their flaws, but they are EXCELLENT for a non-Apple mp3 player; pricey, yes, but very good) and something came on that threw me into major nostalgia mode.  It's so strange that something as simple as a song (okay songs aren't necessarily a simple so that's stupid to say) could throw my brain into a totally different feeling, like I'm going into the past, back to when my brain thought and felt differently, almost making me feel like I'm physically elsewhere.  If I had less of a grip on reality now, I probably would have physically stumbled when that happened.  It threw me back to a time when I was very depressed, but the feeling I got was very peaceful, like a bit of my mind that was very collected from back then, that I forget about now and sometimes feel like I've lost.

You wouldn't expect something so deep from Fall Out Boy, but I have a secret love for them.  People write them off too quickly, I think.  I wonder if they've had a new album since I stopped listening.  That feeling continued as I kept listening to the album.  I kept getting the sense that I'd start seeing things that I'd done in the past, past events, but they didn't come.  Just the feeling.

Please note: the things I talk about in this blog are not necessarily things I want to talk about in person.  Like this entry.  It's not something I can really verbalize in person, and that's why I write here.  Reviews of stuff, obviously, are open topics for discussion, but anything more personal, please don't bring it up unless it's online.

Gifts for self that I should get:

-new computer speakers

-Dresden Dolls companion book (so I can have non-classical piano sheet music to maybe mess around with)

-Sigg water bottle (because I dislike Nalgenes!)

Monday, June 15, 2009

never worry about the future 'cause I'm a cat

Mysterious ranting coming soon.

I reformatted two computers this weekend: my old laptop Pete, the Inspiron 5150, and my custom desktop Rex.  Pete is performing quite nicely now...until he overheats and then everything slows down to a crawl again.  Nothing can be done about that, it's just a crappy model.  The battery had recalls, people got replacement HDs because they died from the overheating etc.  My hard drive died once in it, but we rescued mostly everything (lost one picture folder) via Linux.  Rex is back to the speedy beast he was two years ago, and I am very happy about that.  35 processes right now, with pretty much everything I want installed, minus games.  I'll do that sometime this week probably, I could use some Fallout 3.  Oooo and I found a utility that watches voltages and temperatures on my motherboard!  I didn't know I could do that, and now I just have to figure out how to get it to display the CPU usage and I'm set.

We got a new insurance (everyone made it through the week without alive, but not healthy) and I don't know how much dental it covers, but apparently there's no vision plan.  I am praying that I will not have to repeat the gum grafting I had in 7th grade at some point, but I have some incredibly low gumlines.  Plus side of new insurance: cheaper copay!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I know you think you look so special

From the car forum I go to...an amusing picture partnered with not amusing text.
"Retards: we all know one" (picture was some goofy owls)

I made one little comment and got bitched out for it, pretty much. "Amusing picture, not so amusing text." The comment from another user was pretty much this (my own paraphrasing): "Not all this PC-crap, from you. I thought you were thicker-skinned than that. I mean, you take it cool when we poke fun at you for being a girl. We think it's awesome that you're a girl that's into cars! It's just a word, people shouldn't get so up-at-arms about it. I'm just being honest."

My response:
"My little brother has Down Syndrome. Need I say more than that?

You can't say "words are just words" because you are using them yourself for power. Saying something is "retarded" isn't PC anymore to describe a mentally handicapped person, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful or offensive.

It's not honesty, it's insensitivity. HONESTLY if you had a family member who had a mental handicap like Down Syndrome, you would not take the use of the word "retarded" lightly. Why not just call something stupid? The history of the word makes it offensive, no matter how you mean it. The swastika used to be a totally different symbol, you can't use it anymore b/c of its place in history."

I feel that this is a good argument against the "casual" use of the word "retard". I'm putting it here for my own personal future reference, and perhaps to edit in the future into a fuller argument.

Also I'm a very defensive person, hahaha. I forget this sometimes. It's entirely possible that I love my brother more than anyone else in this world, despite him annoying me the way only little brothers can sometimes. I would do anything to protect him, even if he'll never go to the forum and read that. If I could stop all the people in the world from speaking so insensitively, I would do it, just for him.

Defensive to a fault, I'm sure.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Mahoney Brothers - Long Live The Beatles

Apparently this is turning into a review blog?

I went to see The Mahoney Brothers perform as The Beatles today, at Arlington's Regent Theater. They are a Beatles cover-band that has apparently been performing as and impersonating the Beatles since the late-1970's.

I found their impersonations impressive, as any impersonating, especially one done for that long, requires a great deal of dedication, but lacking in some areas. John was good, he even got the awkward knee bounce while singing/playing, and his voice was spot-on. Paul's voice sounded strained, like the performer was not actually able to sing in his range all that well. Actually, he sounded like Paul McCartney now, with his voice worn from years of singing. George was...not very good. He barely sounded like George, in singing or speaking.

The musical performance and the banter was good though. I enjoyed the earlier songs that they played, more than the later ones, specifically the Sgt. Pepper songs were not very good, but after that, stuff from Abbey Road was okay. "Please Please Me" is one that sticks out in my mind as good, and "Day in a Life" sticks out as one that was bad. "Day In A Life" is definitely not an easy song to perform, since they had to do the horns and noise through keyboards (which for other songs worked fine, such as "Magical Mystery Tour"), but the note at the end just sounded like people screaming, which I did not find pleasant at all. Overall though, there were not many noticeable musical mistakes, except for an important missed bass-drum pound in "Carry That Weight".

I enjoyed seeing that there were all sorts of people there. There were some really young kids, including one little boy who had to have been 5-years-old, who said he liked my t-shirt (it has Beatles images and lyrics on it, Nika painted it for me over 5 years ago (possibly 8? yeah and I still fit in it) and the acrylic paint is hardly cracked, and none has come off), and plenty of people who may have grown up with The Beatles as their records came out. Who knows, maybe some of them even went to concerts when there were younger. There was a handful of people with disabilities too, and I found myself wondering what it is about The Beatles that appeals to them. My brother had a blast, he danced in his seat, ran in place, and kept the beat for many of the songs. I'm glad we're raising another Beatles-fan. My parents listened to them when they were younger (I think my mom was a bigger fan than my dad, but they both certainly appreciate them), and my sister and I picked them out on the radio when we were pretty little, and decided we liked them. So I guess you could say we're "natural" fans, since nobody really introduced us to the music.

I don't really feel like writing up a "Star Trek" review, I saw that a couple of weeks ago and it was AMAZING. That's all you get.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

and now, for a crummy little review

Tonight I went to see "With The Needle That Sings In Her Heart" at Lexington High School; a play written by the student cast & Amanda Palmer, inspired by Neutral Milk Hotel's album "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea". The theme is genocide

I invited my godfather to go with me. We had dinner at Tango in Arlington Center, which was pricey, but delicious. His steak was amazing (my chicken with cheese was awesome too). The place is almost always empty, which makes it even more fun. I recommend it if you're willing to spend $20-30 on a meal. Maybe just a special occasion kind of place...if they last.

The play...the production was amazing. I don't even want to compare what Arlington High used to put on (I haven't seen a play there in years, so I can only go from past experience) to this, it pales and withers and dies. The cast was amazing, flawless performances, beautifully constructed scenes and...just everything. I was so impressed. High school students? Really? Wonderful. I hope these kids go far, they really seem like they will.

I was touched by Amanda Palmer's closing Thank-Yous, she seemed near tears, and I wished that I could give her a hug. She looked surprised, and proud. I am sure that is a great feeling. I hope they enjoy their after-show highs!


Thursday, April 02, 2009

What happens next?

Not sure if I'll ever use this again. It was filled with depressing posts from 2004-2005, and I decided to clear them out so I'll never be tempted to revisit those times.

Now what?