Friday, July 22, 2016

Thoughts for the week #9 - Stitch Fix #3

I've got some money burning a hole in my pocket because I don't have free time for a new tattoo :(.

So new clothes it is! Just in time for a new job.

I got my stylist fee waived from this order, so if I hadn't bought anything, I could've sent it all back with no charge (usually $20). If you want to try Stitch Fix, click here to read my last review and here to use my referral link to sign up!

This was a mixed bag. I'll start with the two items I kept for the discount, but sold on a Facebook group (so I got the 25% discount for keeping everything).

Clement Scoop Neck Blouse



Eh. It felt too loose to me, especially around the armpits. The color is not good either. I learned today that summer tones are best for me. That means pink, red, and orange have to have a blue base in order to look okay with my skin tone. Yellow can only be pale, but I don't like wearing yellow anyway. Even with how small these flowers are, I just didn't feel like it worked. Status: sold to someone who wanted it.

Malaika Henley Blouse




Eh, again. The second photo of the skirt shows the only way that I felt like I could wear this. And I don't wear high-waisted skirts very often. The colors were okay, but I felt like it emphasized my shoulders in a bad way and was just too flowy for me. Status: sold to someone who wanted it.

On to the good stuff!

Nancie Pointelle Detail Open Cardigan



A good color on me and very soft! This was a no brainer. Status: kept.

Phillip Printed Straight Leg Trouser




Whoa. Okay. My first thought was "Grandpa". And then "Grandpa whose pants shrank." I'm not a fan of cropped pantlegs. It especially sucks that I can only wear one particular pair of sneakers right now so I look extra dorky in these. Buuuttttt the color is good for me and it's something different. I'll risk it. Status: kept.

Dorianna Skinny Jean



My favorite item from the box! Cropped pants again, bummer, but the color works for me, I think. Plus they're really soft, look great on my bum, and are insanely comfortable. I'm not sure I could make these work appropriate because they're technically jeans (business casual with the right blouse?), but I'll definitely wear them outside of work. Status: kept.

Overall the total price for the order with the discount was $279, which is more than I usually pay. That averages to $55/item. I hope they hold up well!

Friday, July 15, 2016

Thoughts for the week #8 - ADHD testing

In keeping with the theme of brains (braaaiiinnnssss) for blog topics this week, today I am reporting on my experience getting tested for ADHD as an adult. Sorry, this is another long one.

First, a definition:
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a brain disorder marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development. - National Institute of Mental Health
Generally, there are considered to be two types of ADHD, though they have a lot of overlap. Inattentive type is also known simply as ADD and is often characterized by difficulty sustaining attention, failing to meet deadlines, difficulty in organizing tasks, easily distracted, and a proclivity for losing things. Impulsive-Hyperactive type is characterized by fidgeting behaviors, difficulty keeping seated/still for extended period of time (most commonly demonstrated in classroom environments), inappropriate physical activities (running around when they shouldn't), interrupting activities and conversations, and having trouble waiting. There is also the Combined type, which is some kind of combination between the two.

Based on my own experiences, I believe that it almost doesn't make sense to differentiate between the types. I have almost all of the symptoms for the inattentive type and some for impulsivity/hyperactivity. I was never one to run around, but I am most definitely someone who can't sit still or comfortably for very long. I am impatient and have to fight myself so I don't interrupt people/events. I think that I can sometimes talk a LOT without any sense of whether it's been too much. I could also describe how my thoughts work as hyperactive. It's too difficult for me to wrangle my thoughts to stay focused. I also think that there are various degrees that someone could experience a disorder like ADHD. Someone might have it very mildly, so much that they are able to compensate for it in other ways and never worry about needing additional support. I wish that more disorders were researched in a way that considered them "normal" variations of brain activity, but the classifications are needed for insurance and liability purposes, unfortunately.

My psychiatrist described the way that medication for ADHD works like this: as it was tested and the dose was lowered (initially was a drug for raising blood pressure), side-effects like "calmer" thoughts were reported in only some subjects. The drugs are technically stimulants, but it seems that some brains process them in such a way that it calms things down just enough to make operating a whole lot easier. If a feeling of stimulation like too much caffeine is felt, that means the dose is too high. They eventually figured out that there was something about the brains of those people that was different than expected and the diagnosis of ADHD was born.

When I was 17, I started going through a neuro-psychological evaluation to test for a possible learning disorder. The testing was initiated by my parents after I'd recovered from a very bad depressive episode, but was still struggling in school. What I found then and now is that a lot of the signs of a learning disorder overlap with mental illnesses like depression and anxiety. The obvious examples are inability to focus and meet deadlines, but there are many others. Part of the testing was to rule out depression & anxiety as potential factors in my reduced academic performance. The evaluation included a variety of tests, things like:

  • verbally tell a story based on pictures presented to you
  • write a story based on pictures presented to you
  • solve a puzzle made of different geometric shapes
  • various "never, sometimes, often" questionnaires
I believe the testing took at least two sessions. The end diagnosis with Executive Functioning Disorder. This can exist with ADHD as well as independently, but it's more of a symptom than an actual disorder. I believe I was not diagnosed properly, but the end of the report basically deferred to my public school to do evaluations in a classroom environment. That is something the school wasn't really willing to do even though they were legally bound to do it. Fuck them.

At my current psychiatrist's suggestion, I am undertaking testing again. As an adult and since this is a focused test just for ADHD and not anything else, it's mostly discussion with the doctor and one of those questionnaires. My husband filled one out based on behaviors he's seen in me, and I filled out one for myself. After two meetings, the doctor concluded that yes, I do have ADHD and I get to try out a prescription to help. Hooray!

The part that I love about learning about ADHD and mental illness is knowing the ways in which I function are not my fault. Obviously I am responsible for myself and my behaviors, but when I screw up, it's often not "I didn't try hard enough", it's just my brain screwing something up so that I can't do it properly. It's important for me to be aware of these "shortcomings" so I can learn to work around them, like the key system I mentioned in my last post. Obviously, those workarounds are not always foolproof and they often waste a lot of mental energy that I really wish I could expend just doing things without all the processing time and effort

Also, obviously, I will take responsibility for my mistakes either way. It's not always easy to tell if my mismanaged communication is "just me" not coming at something from the right angle, or my brain function preventing me from doing so. I can certainly learn to do better and makes changes, but whether those changes will stick is up to the disorder, not by my choice. My experiences have certainly helped me to be more patient with others and consider that their brains process information differently than mine. How I share information may not be translatable to their learning style and I have to be conscious about taking a different approach if someone doesn't understand me. I think that awareness has made me a better tech support person.

Some people probably think it's a cop-out that I like to blame some of my problems on disorders/illness, but I think that's a misunderstanding in how mental illness and brain disorders affect our behavior. It's something I think we should all learn about in school so that teachers are more adaptable to their students' learning styles and educational needs, and students are more vocal about their challenges. Maybe with the right adaptations in our environment, medication isn't even needed, but I certainly see no shame in taking it.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Have I told you about my memory?

...I can't remember.

My brain is like a messy room.

Sometimes, I know exactly where to find information and I walk straight to the correct drawer to access a memory. Other times, I spend a while rummaging around in different cupboards, bins, and under the bed to remember something. I might see it out of the corner of my eye, but when I go over to it, it's gone. More often than I'd like, I stand in the middle of the room with the door closed, unable to figure out the muffled conversation from the other side, or completely distracted by something I just found that I thought I'd lost, so the thing I was looking for rolls off the desk and suddenly I realize that I wasn't paying attention. What did you say? Never mind, I'll try to figure it out as you keep talking so I don't feel embarrassed by drawing attention to my inattentiveness.

Most people probably do not have systems to keep their systems in place. I have to decide that I am going to make a habit, like keeping my keys in only a few specific spots so I don't lose them. At any given moment, I might decide that a location makes perfect sense and of course I'll remember where they are. You can probably figure out that doesn't work most of the time. My currently used purse, a purse that lives on the shoe bench, and my pocket/belt loop are the only acceptable places to leave my keys. Yesterday, I put them in the pocket of my sweatshirt and then later left them on the dining room table at my parents' house. Of course, I spent a minute racking my brain to figure out where I'd gone and where I might have "wisely" left them. I also couldn't remember where I parked my car when I left work because I swore the place that I parked it was where it was yesterday, not today after I got back from my appointment. That's fortunately a rare occurrence. Stress makes it worse.

The system to keep my key system in place is "don't forget you have a key system," which really isn't any easier than remembering where I left my keys in the first place. It just makes me feel like I'm a little more organized, even as I'm dashing back and forth through the apartment, picking up things I need before I go out and unable to subconsciously prioritize so I don't have to go back to the same room for something else a minute later. The hardest part of all this for other people to understand seems to be that none of it is by choice. My brain is just wired this way and I have to make the best of it.

The combination of depression, anxiety, possible ADHD, executive dysfunction, and habits built on all of those things are... interesting, to say the least. Let's not also forget soft-spoken because that is an important part of how this affects my relationships with other people.

I got into the habit of repeating myself during conversations because

  • I speak quietly, but it sounds like a perfectly reasonable volume to my ears so I don't try to adjust it much
  • People wouldn't respond to or acknowledge my comment so I figured they didn't hear me
  • My anxiety told me that people were ignoring me so I should try again
  • My depression thinks that people don't like me so they don't answer me
  • My executive dysfunction would have me repeat my comment without me consciously deciding to because of the habits ingrained from all of the above
  • If I really want to be heard, I sometimes try to raise my voice a little, which my anxiety worries is making my friends annoyed with me
  • I often misjudge how loud I am and feel like I am being really rude, even if what I have to say is important
  • If I give up on being heard, I feel depressed and like my friends don't care about me

It's only after I've repeated myself that I realize I've done it and most of the time it just seems so natural that I don't think about it at all. "They definitely didn't hear me, let me try again." "I can't tell if they're ignoring me, let me try again." "I really want someone to respond to me, let me try again." It's involuntary, I can't slow my thoughts down enough to figure out if it's necessary to repeat, and my anxiety makes it too difficult to assess whether the concerns about people's response/lack of response to me is rational/real.

Another fascinating commonplace occurrence in my mind is losing my train of thought. People have different ways of picking up the thread of a thought. Mine is to mentally walk through any part of the conversation I can remember until I get to the topic at hand. Sometimes, I get to the end of the rails and the train is there, but I keep slipping on the steps and somehow that means I have to go back to the beginning until I can latch on.

So, welcome to my brain. This is why I'm in the midst of getting tested for ADHD. While I definitely fit the mold for the "inattentive type", I can see how my brain's processes could be considered "hyperactive". My doctor described the way medication for ADHD works; the medication essentially calms the brain down so things can be processed at a reasonable and accessible pace. It's not a sedative, but somehow its stimulating properties work better for those hyperactive brains. Weird and cool!

While it's easy to categorize people with labels & types because we can have so many similarities, the way minds work can be so varied. It's a shame it's not discussed more because I find it fascinating! It can be a little difficult to think about thinking and figure out how to talk about it too.

Friday, July 08, 2016

Thoughts for the week #7 - mostly shopping


  • This isn't a sponsored mention or anything, I just really like this product! So the past 3 times I've been to the dentist for cleanings: very little plaque and hard build-up, a regular amount, and very little plaque and hard build-up again. The difference was that the 1st and 3rd time, I was using OraWellness HealThy Mouth exclusively, in place of regular toothpaste. You can get a 3-pack, which makes it more affordable, and they include special toothbrushes. There's also a particular way to brush that is far more effective than your usual back-and-forth or even circular methods. The 2nd cleaning, I had been using Crest ProHealth for a while because I ran out of OraWellness. Even if you added a drop or two to your regular toothpaste, it would probably help and last a lot longer! It also helped reduce my tooth sensitivity (still fairly sensitive to cold, but not as bad). This is all coming from an infrequent flosser, so you know it has to be good.
  • I'm cleared to swim and bike, according to my physical therapist, for my shin splints. I went swimming on Wednesday and it didn't aggravate any of my injuries so that was awesome! Biking is still an issue because I a) can't carry my bike down the stairs b) have nowhere on the ground floor to store it except outside, which I might end up doing anyway and c) can't lean on my wrists. So I'm going to look at cruiser bikes, which have you sitting more upright and put less weight on your wrists. They're not as fast for commuting, but it should be very comfortable. And I don't know, they're cute I guess.
  • Another product plug (again, not getting paid for this or anything): Land's End! Their clothes are really durable and classic. They are often used for companies that require uniforms because of the clothing quality. If you sign up for the email newsletter, you'll get notified of their sales and their sales are really great! I saved 30% on some new business casual clothes and this week there's a 60% off sale. All of their dress shirts are very washer/dryer friendly and many of them don't need to be ironed as long as you pluck them out of the dryer as soon as it's done. They do have a refer a friend option, so if you contact me before you order anything, I can send you a referral email and we both save 25% :).
GIF of the week
I've been re-watching Community. It's still hilarious.

Photo of the week

This is one of the bikes I'm thinking of, but I'll probably test ride some local ones.

Friday, July 01, 2016

Thoughts for the week #6 - not nearly as profound

Oops, it's Friday again!

I think the only "random" thoughts I have to share today are about gratitude. A lot of people spoke to me about my last post. The support was honestly unexpected and a little overwhelming, but that's not why I wrote that post.

I shared this part of myself because I wanted it to get attention. I wanted to get people thinking about their automatic assumptions about people, even people they know fairly well.

Keeping our perspective neutral is really hard! So many of us were raised to think that people who look or act a certain way embody a certain identity. Enacting change means stepping outside of our comfort zones, but we still have to be respectful.

So yeah, please don't go about asking people what their sexuality is. It's none of your business unless they choose to make it so.

GIF of the week

I just felt like my blog needed some David Tennant today.

Photo of the week

Not my pic

Friday, June 24, 2016

Thoughts for the week #5 - sexuality

I've decided to start casually inserting the fact that I am bisexual (synonymous with pansexual and queer to me, but I prefer bi) into relevant conversations. I don't really want the big "coming out" story and my hope is that someday people will be able to just toss their sexuality out there as a fact with it being completely not a big deal. "Got a crush on any girls in class, Timmy?" "Actually, I'm gay, but still no." "Maybe you'll find a cute boy at summer camp!" Or even better: "Got a crush on anyone in class?"

Realizing and accepting that this is my sexuality took a very long time. I only admitted it to myself last year. So Mara Wilson's story really rung a bell with me. There are plenty of reasons to be scared. I have mostly been consumed by the potential reaction of people who have defined my sexuality for me. I don't want to have to argue or defend who I am.

But here I am in a relatively safe position: married to a cis-man, appearing heteronormative, in a fairly liberal area and state. I don't want to contribute to the silence and taboo surrounding bisexuality anymore. I know I'm going to get obnoxious questions, but I think it'll be worth it.

So, to knock a few out of the way:

  • Being married to a man does not make me straight, just as gay people married to someone of a different gender are still gay.
  • Being bisexual does not mean I'm going to cheat on my husband. I am strictly monogamous. It just means that had my life not gone the way that it did, dating and marrying anyone who is not a man was an option. Well, that's assuming I came to terms with being bi a long time ago instead of a year ago.
  • Are you attracted to every person of your preferred gender that you see walking down the street? No, and neither am I.
  • If you're going to make some lesbian porn joke, just please stop talking.
Other than those, I suppose I'll entertain some questions if anybody has them.

And that turned into kind of a specific post instead of random thoughts for the week, but oh well!

GIF of the week
View post on imgur.com


Photo of the week

From my birthday! It was a good day.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Thoughts for the week #4

Yeap, I already missed a weekly installment.

  • Skyrim is getting re-mastered and all the fans are going, "...why? My mods already do this." Well, it's more for the console gamers (PS3, PS4, and Xbox One), who never got to use the mods that PC gamers could. This will open up that option to them through a Bethesda-managed console store, much like Fallout 4 has now. I think that's great since the game can be improved so much through all of the free mods out there, but my game already looks pretty great. I'll be checking it out regardless.
  • I don't even want to talk about the shooting in Orlando. It's horrifying. My heart goes out to the communities, families, and friends that were affected. We have to do something about the accessibility of guns in this country. We have to do something about the homophobia in this country. We have to do something about the Islamophobia in this country.
  • Cultivating self-esteem can be hard. I believe it's important to set a good example for kids by overtly treating ourselves with respect. It's easy to not think about it as we make off-hand comments about our bodies, but kids listen.
  • I think I need to read this: The Joy of Leaving Your Sh*t All Over the Place

Photo of the week

My recent character in Skyrim.
GIF of the week